Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Nonexistent Secret Diary of August 24 & 25 2009

[The following are excerpts from the nonexistent and rather secret diary of the first two days of Fall 2009. It documents the first two days of my being a Junior, as well as every class I am registered for.]


Monday, August 24

It's 4:00AM. Nik knocks on the door but I'm already awake. Sahur. I make some toast and make a cheese sandwich. Mm, cheddar. Nik is on facebook. He has the internet. How? Cable kena potong and everybody's wifi is secure. Talipon dia AT&T, so ada 3G. Shit. T-Mobile janji 3G in Pittsburgh hujung tahun ni. Fine. Not that desperate pun. I think. Well, I hope I'm not. I eat slow and before I know it, it's time. Syabas, sayang. Tau pun puasa kat sini lagi lama and you only eat a measly sandwich. And you know you're jetlagged so you'll be awake the whole time you fast. Bagus.

It's 7:26AM and I wake up. I am 34 minutes quicker than my alarm clock. Or the clock is 34 minutes late. Useless piece of sh... - no. It's the jetlag isn't it? Well, yes...maybe. Class, class, class! ♫ ♬ It's been such a long time, I think I should be going. Time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on rollin' ♫ ♬ I jump into the shower. Cibai kia, body wash dah nak habis. Shampoo pulak ada orang tambah air. Bodoh. Bebal. Geram sial. I can feel the water flow down my face differently because I'm frowning. Berus gigi, berus gigi, berus gigi. Ahh, my darling electric berus. Oh, how I love that sensation of your whole jaw vibrating. Bzzt. Bzzt. Heee. Bzzt.

What time is class? 9:30? Don't know, don't care. I'll go early and use the interweb on campus. Hidup = taik, when you don't have the internet. What can a PC do without the net? Main Solitaire.....pish. I get dressed. Hmm, kasut mana gets the honor of Day One? Oh, fuck it, ambik je la yang ni. As I enter the elevator I choose a playlist on the iPod to temankan me for the 15 minutes or so to campus. I choose "macam jatuh cinta macam tu ♥". Dah lama tak dengar.
We were strangers starting out on a journey,
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through,
Now here we are and I'm certainly standing,
At the beginning with you.
'At The Beginning'. How apt. It's been two months since I've walked these streets but somehow I'm guided by pure instinct. How did I stop at the red light? Did I realize I turned the corner or was that done subconsciously? Whatever. In the elevator in CIC a woman clumsily spills some of her coffee and dengan gelabahnya presses the button. "Monday blues", she says with a laugh, "still in weekend mode." I tell her I've been off for two months doing absolutely nowt; "new term blues". She loses that 'kesianla aku' look and nods at me. We part, both exchanging "have a good one"s.

Ah, a PC. I check my e-mail. 22 new, 59 spam. The inbox-spam ratio is still near 1:3. Whoop-dee-doo. I read the news. I watch all five Man Utd goals against Wigan; hebat sial Berbatov, hebat sial Owen. I did the whole net registration thing for my darling talipon's wifi. Wee-fee. Hahahaha. "Do you have wee-fee?" like that guy in the hostel in Boston. Silly man. Hahaha. Scheduleman, scheduleman, scheduleman! Hmm, says here Arabic 3 starts at 10:30. Sejam lagi nak buat bodoh. I do up the whole calendar thing on my phone so for the next 16 weeks I get an alarm before every single class.

10:10AM and I'm the first in class.
Ooh baby do you know what that's worth,
Ooh Heaven is a place on Earth,
They say in heaven that love comes first,
We'll make heaven a place on Earth,
Ooh Heaven is a place on Earth.
A rather pretty girl walks in. She has bangs that don't seem manufactured. Is that even right? Lepak ah, you're only convincing yourself, bukannya ada orang check pun. Well it doesn't look fake, like someone drew them on there with a freaking Sharpie. Nampak...biasa. So biasa that it's pretty. Oh my, she has such beautiful blue eyes. Oh and those long, curled lashes. "Is this Arabic?" she asks. Finally, an American interested in Arabic! Asik North Africans, Arabs and Jews je. This is Arabic 3, she can't be a freshman. She doesn't look that old, though. Alah, beza setahun dua macamla banyak sangat. Kau diam. Apa kau tau? She's only started Arabic a year ago but she's already studied abroad in Morocco, Syria, Lebanon and Turkey. Oh, she's a junior. Transferred from community college from Kansas. Note to self: do not make lame Wizard of Oz/"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!" jokes. Her name is Mackenzie. Pleased to meet you. *smile*

Modolu walks in and sits between us. Disturb leaf. Tapi at least ada kawan. No, that's being condescending. He's still a friend regardless where he sat. Takpe, lusa jumpa lagi. Ajak dia naik Mt. Washington, jom? Hmm. I've always wanted to try that ice cream parlor up there. Tapi puasa. Taik ah. Ah, here comes Ustaz Ethan. He had a bad week which culminated in both his dogs dying hours apart, he says. His tone and posture says it all and we're all sympathetic for the three of them. Eric Berryman comes in and speaks like a true Arab. His ع sounds so...authentic. Aku sebut pun tak sepekat tu. And his doesn't sound forced. And it was only two years ago I was helping him out with the al-Fatihah. He comes to shake my hand. What? You're the MSA Vice President? Daym. Everyone does the introductions. I can't speak for shit. I'm last so I plan to say something funny to lighten the mood. "Ana la as-habah fii Pittsburgh wa ana fi'lan wahid"; that's probably very wrong but we is all still speak breaken Arab. Hmm. That might work. My turn comes. For some reason I can't even say "I study in Carnegie Mellon" or even "Economics". Ethan thinks I'm very rusty so he ends the session after two sentences. Everyone else did at least four.

Modolu and I go and see the new Gates Building. Lawa gila babi, tapi no signage so everyone's lost. We go to the bookstore. There's a new mug design. Lawa. Biasanya hodoh, so I buy it. I check my campus mail and apparently that Visual Bookshelf survey thing on facebook which promised to send the novel 'Huge' was telling the truth. I got it free of charge.
Sukarnya 'tuk ku melupakan,
Sinar matamu yang menawan,
Terbayang-bayang tiap masa,
Senyumanmu menggoda,
Kehangatan terasa di jiwa,
'Tika kau lafaz kata cinta,
Nafas terhenti seketika,
Seakan sukar kupercaya,
Oo-wo-oh-oh-oh,
Ku juga mencintai dirimu,
Mengapa sukar kuluahkan,
Bukan sengaja kumenahan,
Bibir membeku, lidah terkelu,
Ku juga mencintai dirimu,
Kau amat sempurna buatku,
Bukan saja aku biarkan,
'Kan kuucap jua padamu.

12:30PM and it's time for Programming with Alice and Java. Professor tua, and she says it'll be an extremely slow class so opt for a higher level kalau bosan. I need the A, thank you very much. And yes, bosan gila but I can deal with it.

1:30PM and I'm free. Do I go home? Why not. Singgah bank jap. Takmau pegang cash banyak sangat. At home, I find an iklan for Comcast college specials cable. Immediate activation. I call and they said five minutes they'd be there. I hear a knock so I open the door. It's just the neighbor leaving. I close the door but he says something angrily. I open it again and he asks me "Why is it every time I get out, you people open the door?" I told him I'm expecting someone but he angrily says "Fine" and walks away. Anak dia bising, ketuk pintu macam orang gila, I don't complain. In fact most times, they knock so hard we think it's our door. Muka pun ketat gila. Boo.

I do the whole sign up thing. They say they can only offer 10 Mbps, six less than I had. Takde hal. Tomorrow I shall have the internet. Waiting. More than five hours to buka, and at least 24 more to TV and the net. I reformat the computer because my Windows is bisu and start installing everything that doesn't require the internet for activation or updates. Nik gets back from doing his SSN. We call the newbies and tell 'em let's meet up for buka. The plan was to meet at 7:45PM. I read, I sleep. I wake up past 8:00PM. We walk to Tandoor and meet the new kids. Kedai ni kasi nasi sikit gila tapi nasib baik kenyang. Aishah mistakenly bought a Chinese-made SciPhone from Ebay. I don't know whether to be amazed at how good they are at copying, or laugh at her for being ripped off. Perhaps silence is best. I am still jetlagged so I go to bed once I get back home.


Tuesday, August 23

It is 4:00AM and I'm up. Berlengas so I take a shower. It's late now so I make some toast and fry an egg. It's too panas, so I open a cup of yogurt. It's frozen pulak, so masuk microwave. I down a glass of lemon pomegranate juice which really tastes like serai. I finish up just in time. I try, but by 7:30AM I can't sleep anymore. I grab my phone and play Tetris. Can I break 60,000? I fail miserably twice. Today is the heaviest of all five days: three 90-minute seminars and one hour-long recitation. I read 'The Hours'. It's just so painful to read. Some genius decided to write about how Virginia Woolf's life affected the story line of her book 'Mrs. Dalloway', which in turn affected a reader's (Mrs. Brown) life. But he won an award and it became a movie starring Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman and Julianne Moore. No. If I had bought it, I would have chucked it away a long time ago. Tapi ni Aunty Dayah yang bayarkan masa kat RIT. Kena baca sampai habis. It's the least I could do for her. I walk to class; iPod setia di sisi, sambung playlist semalam.
I realize the best part of love,
Is the thinnest slice,
And it don't count for much,
But I'm not letting go,
I believe there's too much to believe in,
So lift your eyes if you feel you can
Reach for a star and I'll show you a plan,
I figured it out,
What I needed was someone to show me,
[jeng jeng jeng jeng jeng]
You know you can't fool me,
I've been lovin' you too long,
It started so easy,
You want to carry on
(Carry on...)
Lost in love and I don't know much,
Was I thinkin' aloud,
Fell out of touch,
But I'm back on my feet
And eager to be what you wanted.

9:00AM and it's Advanced Micro. Megan walks in. I say hi and she waves back. Dia duduk depan. Dulu dia duduk belakang, kat sini. Ada kawan dia kot depan tu. No, dia duduk sorang. Cis. Professor walks in and talks about--what else?--economics. I don't know my shit. I struggle to integrate a simple function. Apparently junior year ni, you'll be applying all the sampah you learned in the past two years. Ah. Heavy weightage on finals. Taik.

10:20AM and I immediately head to the computer cluster for Alice recitation. Dia ajar cemana nak download and install. I am officially the second oldest person in this class. The oldest being some guy who is probably somebody's dad. Everyone else is either a freshman, sophomore or an over-achieving highschooler.

I have a half hour to kill so I lounge about outside the next classroom and check my e-mail.
Lookin' in your eyes,
I see a paradise,
This world that I found,
Is too good to be true,
Standin' here beside you,
Want so much to give you
This love in my heart
That I'm feelin' for you,
Let 'em say we're cray-zeh,
I don't care about that,
Put your hand in my hand,
Baby don't ever look back,
Let the world around us
Just fall apart,
Baby we can make it
If we're heart to heart,
And we can build this thing together,
Stand this storm forever,
Nothin's gonna stop us now,
And if this world runs outta lovers,
We'll still have each other,
Nothin's gonna stop us,
Nothin's gonna stop us now.
12PM and it's time for Industrial Organization. Professor's a Russian dude. He says it's "a.k.a Applied Microeconomics". Nice. Tak cukup ambik advanced, ambik applied pulak. Again, more maximization and calculus. Nak buat muka masam, nak nangis, nak Mama. But I found myself answering half his questions. Which could mean I do know my shit. No, can't be. This girl who was once the Econ Society VP was in the class. So was David. And a few other equally smart ones. Why aren't they saying jack shit? Ah, David said something. But still. Diorang je berkarat ke apa? But I should be safe with classmates macam ni; perhaps they're not into the groove yet. They'll come good. Outside, a sorority girl promotes Greek Life. A girl says to her, "Sorry, but I'm actually a guy." Bahahah! That made my day.

1:30PM and I'm applying for the same goddamned Telefund job. Paling senang masuk, konon. But it is, however, paling senang keluar. I don't need a job, I just need the SSN. This is the fourth time I filled in that wretched form. It is also the fourth supervisor I've met.

By 2:30PM I'm done so I walk around The Cut and look at posters and buy three. E-Cow-Nomics. Peter vs. The Giant Chicken. 50 Chuck Norris Facts. Did you know Chuck Norris could slam shut a revolving door? Or that the only way he shaves is by kicking himself in the face, because only Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris? There are second hand books. I buy 'Snow' by Orhan Pamuk. The seller is miffed because he wanted to read it, too. Siapa suruh jual, kalau nak baca? Baghal.
You gave me wings and made me fly,
You touched my hand, I can touch the sky,
I lost my faith you gave it back to me,
You said no star was out of reach,
You stood my me and I stood tall,
I had your love, I had it all,
I'm grateful for each day you gave me,
Maybe I don't know that much,
But I know this much is true,
I was blessed because I was,
Loved by you.
You were my strength when I was weak,
You were my my voice when I couldn't speak,
You were my eyes when I couldn't see,
You saw the best there was in me,
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach,
You gave me faith 'cause you believed,
I'm everything I am,
Because you loved me.

3:00PM and it's everybody's favorite class: Stats. The instructor (remember, he told us not to call him 'professor' because he isn't one) takes down our respective height, gender and continent data and tells us to hand in a three-page report. "About what?" just about everybody asks. "Whatever you can think of." Nice. Just nice, really. Cool girl with funky orange punk hair wants to eat an apple but is shy of the noise she'll make. We all cough every time she takes a bite. She laughs more than she chews. I walk home. PC boleh diupdate and diinstall macam-macam benda.
Don't go breakin' my heart,
I couldn't if I tried,
Honey, if I get restless,
Baby, you're not that kind,
Don't go breakin' my heart,
You take the weight off of me,
Honey when you knock on my door,
Oh, I gave you my key,
Woo-hoo, nobody knows it,
When I was down,
I was your clown,
Woo-hoo, nobody knows it,
Right from the start,
I gave you my heart,
Whoa-oh, I gave you my heart,
So don't go breakin' my heart,
I won't go breakin your heart,
Don't go breakin' my,
Don't go breakin' my,
Don't go breakin' my heart.

4:45PM and I'm home. The TV has a picture. But Nik says there's no internet. And we only got 6 Mbps. And it's registered under MOHANNA SHAZWON BINAZIZAN. Seriously, what the fuck is the point of filling out forms in block letters if they're gonna fuck it up by spelling it over the phone to another agent in their call center? We finally get it running. I get my first IM, "ha aku online dulu!" from Nik 36 minutes after he sent it. I had to download YM dulu, kan. I do the whole reverse process of backup. My IM chat archives, the 9 GB of songs, the whole toilet MP3 player thing. Most importantly my iTunes play count and playlists. I don't know why, but they mean the world to me. Took me months to make those playlists and edit every MP3's ID3 tag so that the artiste's name and album and song title are all spelled correctly. All 2,424 of 'em.

I lost track of time and it's now 7:45PM. We rush to the ICP for buka. Tak semeriah last year but anything free is just as good. No. That's condescending. People aren't giving as much as they used to. Maybe economy teruk? Or harga naik? I ask if the hot drink is coffee or tea. It's just too black and thick for tea, yet too brown for coffee. An old guy opens the lid, points to the thick black liquid inside and says it's obviously tea while he rolls his eyes. Obviously. I take a sip. Tea. The kind that gives you sembelit. We walk back home. I study Arabic a little as I do the laundry. Belum tiga hari dah kena basuh dua load. It rained in Newark and Philly when we were flying in. Cemana air hujan boleh masuk suitcase? Bengap. I try to stay up to fight the jetlag. By 1:00AM I give up.

Besok kelas Arab, heeee~