Soal Jawab Bersama Izati Ikram

Imi: kau tgh buat apa?
Shazwan: nothing much
Shazwan: kenapa, imi?
Shazwan: boleh saya bantu?
Imi: i saja je nak ask few questions
Shazwan: silakan
Imi: but u have to not do anything else, cooperate fully
Imi: boleh?
Imi: its actually really good.
Shazwan: not my fault kalau aku tetiba daydream but yeah boleh je
Imi: ok u have to give me the first thing that comes to mind ok
Imi: i trust u to not cheat
Shazwan: ya baiklah
Imi: ok
Shazwan: ha
Imi: so imagine yourself walking to this satu cahaya ni
Imi: mcm nmpk distant and all
Imi: you're heading towards it now
Shazwan: kau mimpi eh
Imi: whats your surrounding like?
Imi: concentrate!!
Imi: whats your surrounding like?
Imi: is it scary? seronok? environment mcm mana
Shazwan: on one side, nothing
Shazwan: the other side, mcm pantai
Imi: how do u feel?
Shazwan: i wont say scary, tapi terkejut sbb sorg2
Shazwan: lonely
Imi: i see
Imi: ok ok
Shazwan: tapi sangat tertarik dengan cahaya tu
Imi: so you're walking at this pantai one side and nothing the other
Imi: and you're still heading towards the light
Shazwan: no bukan one side
Shazwan: its like
Shazwan: its all a beach
Shazwan: tapi bila i blink
Shazwan: tetiba jadik lantai putih
Imi: hmmm ok2
Imi: ok2
Imi: so you're heading to this light
Imi: how about do u move forward (assume i didnt say you were walking)
Imi: running, walking, merangkak ke etc
Shazwan: jalan slow2
Shazwan: perhati surroundings
Shazwan: tryingto make out what, why, when
Shazwan: then lama2
Shazwan: laju sket
Imi: but you're concentrating to the light
Imi: remember that
Imi: focus you is the light
Shazwan: when i focus on the light, yes makin laju
Imi: ok2 good
Imi: ok
Imi: then you move forward lagi
Imi: berjalan dgn laju
Imi: suddenly you jumpa flower/bunga
Imi: describe mcm mana rupa dia
Shazwan: yellow
Shazwan: and black
Shazwan: tgh2 dia where the bees will hinggap its hijau2
Imi: is it lawa/harum etc
Imi: the appeal
Shazwan: bau takde
Shazwan: bunyi pun takde (the whole thing, not just bunga)
Imi: ok
Shazwan: nampak lawa
Imi: ok ok
Shazwan: sbb its so empty then tetiba ada bunga
Imi: would you pick it up and bring the bunga with you in your journey?
Shazwan: entah
Shazwan: takut doh dgn lebah tu
Imi: so not significant la?
Shazwan: its significant in that it tells me im on the right path
Imi: but would you pick it up
Shazwan: (dalam gila jwpn aku)
Imi: tak payah pikir complex sgt shazwan
Imi: hehe
Shazwan: i'd just go up close and take a look at it
Imi: ok
Imi: so u tinggalkan the bunga
Imi: and you move forward lagi
Shazwan: haah
Imi: laju and laju
Imi: and then suddenly
Imi: u jumpa pasu bunga pulak
Imi: how would u describe the pasu
Shazwan: pasu biasa
Imi: does it look expensive? murah? lawa? besar?
Shazwan: yg ada 3 lubang kat bawah
Imi: the typical pasu?
Shazwan: yes
Shazwan: kecik je
Imi: i see
Imi: would u bring it with you?
Shazwan: (kalau jwpn tu describes penis size, aku nak tukar jadi tempayan pls)
Imi: jgn pikir mcm tu
Imi: u have to answer without thinking the implication whatsoever
Imi: so that's the first jawapan kau, i dont care. hehe
Imi: would u bring it with you in your journey to the light?
Shazwan: no
Shazwan: aku belek2 je and blah
Imi: i seeee
Imi: okay okay
Imi: so u left the pasu bunga there
Imi: and move forward laju2
Imi: and then suddenly
Imi: jumpa la tasik/sungai/tempat berair
Imi: describe how the environment is
Shazwan: sungai
Imi: and what would you do the first moment you set eyes on the place
Shazwan: byk rumput
Shazwan: banyak batu
Shazwan: ada pohon renek
Shazwan: aku pergi basuh muka
Imi: ok
Imi: how do you feel?
Imi: when seeing the place
Shazwan: sangat happy
Shazwan: macam nak skip ard and throw flowers all over the place
Imi: i see
Imi: okay2
Imi: meriah2
Imi: ok and then u leave the wonderful place behind...
Imi: pastu jalan2 lagi
Imi: dah nak sampai this light that uve been focusing on
Imi: rupa2nya
Imi: after u dah lepas the light, it's your house, apa perasaan u
Imi: nice/not nice/exciting etc
Shazwan: kecewa sikit
Shazwan: tapi lepas tu happy la sbb its home
Shazwan: not HAPPY happy
Shazwan: but yknow how theres no plc like homw
Imi: okay
Imi: so you're in front of your home
Imi: your own home tau. bukan mcm your parents punya ke apa ke
Shazwan: ha ok
Imi: how's the gate like?
Shazwan: hitam and plain
Imi: is it tall?
Shazwan: and ada like kayu on it
Shazwan: not overly tall
Imi: medium?
Shazwan: just as tall as a person
Imi: kira average la?
Imi: i see
Imi: is it locked?
Shazwan: ada remote control la!
Imi: i see. automatic
Shazwan: apa kelas gate besar2 kena bukak sdiri
Imi: okay2
Imi: ok so you passed your gate
Imi: how do you get to the door? is it like straight on je ke? on the right/left ke? naik turun bukit ke? how is it like?
Imi: ke kena pass any fountain ke
Shazwan: driveway biasa
Shazwan: straight ahead pintu masuk
Imi: driveway tu tak jauh la? ke jauh?
Shazwan: dekat je
Imi: mcm biasa je la?
Shazwan: like 3 cars bk to bk
Imi: i see okay2
Shazwan: mcm kau punya kat kajang
Imi: ok so you're in front of your front door
Shazwan: pintu kayu
Imi: describe the style and type of the KNOB
Shazwan: jenis yg solid
Shazwan: bukan hollow
Shazwan: its the lever type
Imi: stylish ke?
Shazwan: besi no less
Shazwan: minimalist design
Imi: ade ukir? besi biasa je ke
Imi: i see
Shazwan: tanak fancy2
Imi: i see
Imi: okay2 good
Imi: so u dah bukak dah pintu depan rumah u ni
Imi: bukak2 u jumpa monster!
Imi: adakah monster ini scary atau tidak
Shazwan: wtf is your problem
Imi: rupa dia mcm mana
Shazwan: tak dia comel mcm cookie monster
Shazwan: nampak palat gila
Shazwan: selekeh
Shazwan: tapi sebenarnya sgt baik dan budiman
Imi: i see
Imi: so what do u think of the monster ni
Imi: u like or dislike ke apa
Imi: takut ke
Shazwan: suka la
Imi: suka ke
Imi: suka la?
Imi: ok2
Imi: so u said to this comel monster
Imi: what are u doing in my house?
Imi: the monster said, when u were out, i took care of the house tauuuu..
Imi: what's your reaction? what would u do afterwards?
Shazwan: belai dia dgn indah
Shazwan: ckp thanks
Imi: would u keep it? treat it?
Shazwan: of course
Imi: or send it away ke apa ke
Imi: so it'll stay with you
Imi: ?
Shazwan: kalau dia takde tempat lain
Shazwan: okla
Imi: i see
Imi: okay
Imi: thats the endd
Imi: u wanna know what's the meaning of all the questions?
Shazwan: apa?
Shazwan: mesti lgsg takde
Imi: ada
Imi: the light is actually your marriage
Imi: the 1st question was environment tu kan
Imi: thats how u feel about getting married
Imi: the flower is your first love
Imi: thats your impression on your first love, and since you tak take it with you, then you're not
Imi: the pasu is, harta barang orang.
Imi: kononnya, jodoh u tu mula2 orang punya, tapi since u tak amik, then maknanya jodoh u bukan la orang punyaaa
Imi: and then after that apa ek?
Imi: oowh sungai
Shazwan: tak paham jodoh part
Imi: that's the feeling of your first night
Imi: pasu part
Shazwan: mula2 org punya
Imi: ?
Shazwan: i tak amek
Imi: so that means u tak merampas la
Imi: let's say u take the pasu, that means u merampas milik orang lain
Shazwan: oh so my jodoh isn't someone else's la?
Shazwan: duhh what kind of an asshole steals someone else's
Imi: meaning, masa u meet your jodoh
Imi: was she someone else's when u knew her etc
Imi: i took the pasu. :D if it implies on syidin then its true :D
Imi: anyway
Imi: back to your sungai
Imi: thats the feeling of your first night
Shazwan: what did i say?
Shazwan: oh
Imi: (kawan aku jawab dia jumpa tasik, dia hisap rokok dulu sblm terjun)
Shazwan: ceria sampai campak2 bunga
Imi: haha
Imi: yup2
Imi: ok lepas tu u jumpa the light and u find out its just a house
Imi: thats the feeling WHEN ure getting married
Imi: mcm u said, best, so expectations are met
Imi: some ppl say like, cheh rumah jeeeee.
Imi: meaning to say mcm they think marriage would be much greater la kononnya
Imi: pastu your gate is your privacy of your marriage
Imi: if it's high, high privacy, yours is medium so i guess ok la kut?
Imi: automatic lagi tu
Imi: (kawan i takda gate ok)
Shazwan: kau tak faham perasaan aku
Shazwan: gate kau manual
Imi: whatever
Imi: gate aku tak manual ok
Imi: anywayyyyy
Shazwan: kat kajang?
Shazwan: manual
Shazwan: jgn nak tipu
Imi: no its not
Imi: yaAllah
Shazwan: hmm
Imi: pernah ke nmpk aku keluar rumah bukakkan gate utk kau
Shazwan: thats what i remember
Imi: takda kerja aku
Imi: anyway
Imi: jgn divert pls
Imi: how to get to your front door implies on something mcm how ppl can see how your marriage is la lebih kurang
Imi: even though ada privacy and all that, but where the front door is implies on whether ure predictable or not
Imi: something like that
Imi: (ada my friend ni sampai kena naik bukit pusing2 mcm rumah dracula, dia kata)
Imi: haha
Shazwan: so aku ni predictable la?
Imi: but yea, mine is to the right skekk je
Imi: yea la kut
Shazwan: tu sbb mcm rumah kajang kau
Imi: sbb mcm depan2
Imi: tula
Imi: dah tu aku pikir how my house will be
Imi: anyway
Shazwan: monster tu bini bila dah tua?
Imi: pastu the door knob implies on your tahap 'materialistic' in ur marriage
Shazwan: oh door knob
Shazwan: lupa
Imi: ada orang pilih crystal, gold, sungguh materialistic
Imi: but since urs is just biasa2 je, then it'll be simple
Shazwan: kau sure pilih gold 24k kan
Imi: aku pilih silver :D
Imi: ok pastu the monster is actually your mak mentua
Shazwan: cis
Shazwan: apsal mak mentua
Imi: why shes a monster is because mcm 'orang asing' dlm your house
Shazwan: i see
Imi: your parents would be asing to you, your siblings wont be, so the most popular non-close family would be your mak mentua
Imi: parents wouldnt, sorry
Imi: so the impression u have on the monster is the same as to your mak mentua
Imi: comel mak mentua kau kan
Imi: selekeh plak tu
Imi: :D
Imi: lepas tu u said you'll say thanks, treat her, and let her stay with u
Shazwan: cis
Imi: bagus
Imi: :D
Imi: but yea, these are questions from fazilah kamsah. and majority mmg true
Imi: my friend pernah tanya his newlywed friends
Imi: mmg everyone knows how they're like, how he's a bit uninterested to her
Imi: sebelum kahwin ada main dua etc
Imi: so both bunga and pasu dia kutip skali dgn dia
Imi: rumah takda gate, pintu depan2
Imi: nak ke light, merangkak2
Imi: jumpa light ckp e'elehhhh
Imi: stuff like that la
Imi: but up to you to believe it or not. it may just be to reflect how u are ke apa ke. so far jawapan anda semua ok
Imi: hehe
Imi: kawan aku kata monster tu banyak tanduk, banyak mata, banyak gigi semua tajam2
Imi: pastu scary gila
Imi: pastu bila dia ckp dia jaga rumah, he said 'i dont fucking care! get out of my house!'
Imi: hahaha
Imi: ada kawan aku lagi sorang kata nak go mandi bogel dalam tasik
Shazwan: i bet tua nanti dia adore gila inlaw dia
Imi: haha tula
Imi: all kinds of answer yg aku tak expect langsung la
Shazwan: dah berapa byk org kau tanya?
Shazwan: and apa motif kau tanya semua org?
Imi: a few la jugak. belas2
Shazwan: sibuk gila hal org lain
Imi: saja, for funnnn
Imi: mcm la kau dah kahwin
Imi: mcm la kalau kau kawin next year pun i wont remember la all this
Imi: i dont even remember all my answers
Shazwan: bongok gila
Imi: so aku takdala nak ingat jawapan smorang
Imi: takde keje aku
Imi: my brain needs space for other stuff. not for ppl's marriage
Shazwan: hmm\
Shazwan: so its just marriage and perception of in law la?
Imi: yeap2
Shazwan: initially aku ingat kau mimpi kau kejar cahaya
Imi: what the heck
Imi: aku kurang mimpir pelik2 skrg
Imi: byk mimpi scary2 je
Shazwan: kau tetiba dtg tanya aku "ok you're chasing a light"
Shazwan: aku lagi patut tanya wtf
Imi: hahahahhhahaha
Imi: i know, agak random

Aku 'Kan Bertahan

Asalnya aku takut,
Aku terkilan;
Asik fikir aku tak dapat hidup tanpamu di sisiku;
Tapi banyaklah malam aku fikir,
Betapa kau sangat jahat,
Aku jadi kuat,
Aku terus hidup sihat

Kau pulang dari,
angkasa lepas;
Aku balik lihat engkau
Muka monyok konon kesal;
Aku patut tukar mangga,
Kau patut tinggalkan kunci;
Kalaulah ku dapat agak aku 'kan dikacaui

Pergilah, pergi!
K'luar dari sini!
Sila kau pusing!
Kehadiranmu tak disenangi
Bukan ke kau yang nak menyakiti aku
Apa, kau pikir ku jatuh?
Kau pikir hatiku musnah begitu?
Oh, langsung tak!
Aku 'kan tahan;
Selagi ku tahu cinta,
Ku pasti ku 'kan bertahan;
Panjang lagi hidup aku,
Banyak lagi cinta aku,
Dan aku 'kan tahan,
Aku 'kan tahan;
Yeah-eah!

Banting tulang empat kerat,
Supaya ku tabah;
Dengan gigihnya ku baiki
Hati yang patah;
Entahlah berapa malam
Aku merungut seorang;
Dulu kememeh!
Kini ku yakin je lebih;
Kau lihatku,
Orang baru,
Aku takkan terpikat dengan
Janji manismu;
Dan kau singgah seketika,
Mengharap ku layanimu,
Cintaku hanya untuk si dia,
yang menyintai aku

The Difference A Penis Makes - Part I

As I was taking a piss in NJ's bathroom, she spoke to me from her room.

NJ: Kau kencing ke apa?
Me: Kencing.
NJ: Apasal takde bunyi?
Me: Kau tengah cakap dengan aku, dia jadi segan.
NJ: Oh, hahaha bodoh. Eh, nanti aku nak paint the wall that you're looking at. Kau rasa OK tak?
Me: Why would you wanna do that? There's the jamban, the sink, the cabinet. Dahla leceh nak get into all the tight spaces, surely the paint will get on the sides of the cabinet and all. Baik kau cat dinding tepi ni--ada towel rack je.
NJ: Eh, tak la! That wall you're facing mana ada apa-apa, that's the easiest! It only has the door frame and the light switch. Yang tepi tu leceh jugak sebab ada jamban.
Me: But the wall I'm facing...
NJ: ...is the easiest, I have NOTHING to deal with!
Me: The wall I'm facing has everything to deal with. You do know I piss standing up, kan?