F You

When did you learn the 'four-letter word'? Seeing as to how it's probably the worst of them all, it should be etched in your head how, when, and by whom you learned it from.

Do you even remember when you started to learn? I mean really started to learn. I can only think so far back as when I was three or four and people at home told me "kalau makan benda mentah, nanti sakit perut" and "kalau kena air didih nanti tangan melecur" (learned that the hard way, anyway). What about school? I would assume most people look back on Darjah Satu and think it's a fucking joke. But only because I'd already learned multiplication and grammar in Children's House. The only thing significantly 'new' enough for me to remember in that year (1996) was Bahasa Melayu because I couldn't quite speak it, and that despite no one ever saying 'se-li-par' it is spelt that way.

Outside of school though, I learned certain things a tad bit too early. This is the (dis)advantage of having a brother three years your senior. Whatever he learns at the normal age, you'll learn three years earlier. I remember vividly this one time his friend came over and although there were only the three of us in the room, he whispered ever so softly.

"You know this?" he says as he pulls a fist with one hand and slaps the top of it with the other.

"Isn't that something really bad?" my brother says. His friend inches closer and whispers even softer.

"It's the rudest word in the world. Even worse than 'bastard'!" That really caught our attention. You can see why a precocious six-year-old would remember this conversation so well.

"What is it?" we asked him.

He looks around to make sure no one knows, or he'd be dead meat. The door is closed and locked. But still he looks around. Then he whispers, "It means...," and paused for the longest time, "...it means 'fuck'. F-U-C-K. The four letter word."

I was underwhelmed if I'm honest. 'Fuck'? That's it? Just the one silly syllable? 'Fuck'? That's the rudest, baddest word of them all? I mean, I expected something a little more bad ass-sounding. Think about it. 'Bastard' sounds really mean. But 'fuck'? It was just too short, too simple. I even thought saying to someone 'you stupid idiot' would be so much more hurtful than 'you stupid fuck'. Because 'idiot' sounds so much more...sophisticated (for lack of a better word).

So I asked him what it meant. He whispered in my brother's ear. I could see that raised an eyebrow. Now I really wanted to know what the rudest, baddest word in the world meant. He looked at me, then at my brother. "Are you sure I can tell him? Are you sure you wanna know?"

"Yeah!" I yelled a little too loudly. All three of us looked around to make sure no one had eavesdropped or had entered (the locked room). One of them covered my mouth, the other put a finger to his lip. "SHHHHH! Your parents will kill us if they knew!"

Then he whispered it to me. "'Fuck' is when a guy puts his dick in a woman's vagina. That's also how babies are made!" And then he looked at us both squarely with his big, round eyes. "Don't ever say it in front of your parents or teachers. They'd probably cili your mouth, man! You can get into so much trouble." Again, I was underwhelmed. That's it? Just that? In my mind's eye I pictured a penis trying to squeeze into a camel toe (because back then that's as much about the vagina that I knew of).....and then suddenly a fetus appearing in the woman's belly. It's like the vagina was an on/off switch that can only be triggered by the penis, for some reason. And when it did, the baby started to grow. Brilliant, really, how the brain of the six/seven-year-old me ticked.

On top of the weird image I had in my head, the word 'fuck' still didn't make sense. Why was it rude if that's how babies are made? What made it so bad if it meant something that wasn't?

Well we've all come a pretty long way since then. And now 'fuck' is not just a verb, is it?

• It's a bad ass middle name: John 'Motherfuckin' Doe
• It's a noun: I don't give a fuck.
• It's an adjective: I'm going to fuckin' Amsterdam!
• It's an adverb: Fucking get out of here already.
• It's a good thing: That's cool as fuck and I want that!
• Yet also a bad thing: This is just fucked up.
• It's horrible: Oh, fuck.
• It's brilliant: Fuckin' A!
• It's everything: Do whatever the fuck you want.
• It's nothing: I see you've done the sum total of fuck all.

What a wonderful word.

Ridiculous Advice

Probably February 2006

I had just completed the whole registration merry-go-round at INTEC. It was as inauspicious as shit, seeing as to how there were only three of us. Registering early. For no good reason. Or that much of an advantage. But there we were, the three of us, being given a lecture or briefing by a counselor--admittedly, a rather ancient one--about blending in and how "ini bukan sekolah lagi dah".

Then she made us step forward and sign a blank sheet of paper. Since I was standing in the middle I went second, sandwiched between both girls. She looked at the first's John Hancock, studied it for a bit, then squared her up. "Walaupun awak ada banyak isu, awak bijak gunakan keceriaan untuk sorokkannya." Or something like that. Then added a word or two about how it's a good thing and how it can be a bad thing.

Then she looked to her other side--bypassing me--and told the other girl, "Awak pula seroang yang gigih, dan berani. Tapi jangan terlalu tegas!" Again, I don't quite remember verbatim but it was something to that affect.

Then it was my turn. The other two got a few simple words of advice. Admittedly, some of it actually made sense, and was eerily accurate. But judging you from your signature? Really? Anyway. She looked at it, then looked at me and said "Saya dapat lihat awak akan jadi seorang yang sangat berjaya." This caught me by surprise. Nothing about my character. But now she can see the future though. The girl on my left suddenly blurted, "Tu la, saya pun rasa begitu!" I had no idea (still have no idea) if those sentiments were also based on a freaking signature. The counselor looked back at me and said, "Tapi tak mudah. Tiada apa dalam hidup mudah. Awak harus tekun... Harus kerja dengan kuat."

Back then it scared me. It was a good fear, yet something I equally dreaded. Right now I think back to those pointless words and can't help but think any idiot can say that. You'll make it big one day. Just work hard. Nothing's easy in life. Ha. Was she just talking out of her ass? Why were theirs a character study, but mine a look into my future? I honestly don't believe I'm special. 'Different' may be a better word. But special? And being told so by some dinosaur who can't even garner the respect of a classroom of 18 kids wasn't very convincing either. Perhaps it was the occasion. Perhaps it was just how I was feeling at the time. It's pointless, but for some reason, it became one of those pep talks you get etched in your head forever. Maybe it's true. Maybe one day I'll get the meaning of it. Maybe she was speaking old people speak, and I'm still unqualified/uninitiated to be able to understand.

If it is your intention to give advice--life-changing one--you don't have to be so vague or cryptic. The two best I've ever had were from the least expected sources. One was from National Service. As I said my good-byes before I left the place, my classroom instructor called me up and signed my workbook. She said, "Shazwan, sayangi diri sendiri sebelum awak sayangi yang lain. Selamat maju jaya". I respected this because 1) my name was spelt sH; 2) it was touching, and; 3) for some reason she knew I was heartbroken. Ha. But still. It made sense, and it was straight to the point. And it wasn't something far-fetched either.

The other one came from closer to home. "Here's the thing about me. I'm an asshole through and through. And I accept that. I don't feel in any way inadequate or that I have to change my ways. I am at peace with myself." This was in 2007. And he had only two As in his SPM--proof positive that you needn't degrees or PhDs or be someone 'superior' to give smartass advice.

It's pointless trying too hard, isn't it?