Religion, Happiness or Survival: Why I Chose To Go Katok

Two years ago I would have balked at you if you told me who I was today. But two years ago, things were very different: I wasn't living in Pittsburgh. I arrived here with the fresh hopes and optimism most of us had. In my mind I knew I'd stick to my beliefs with a passion; that I wouldn't easily be swayed by the weakness of others. I already had a pretty good track record in that for some reason (which to this day I myself can't understand), I've never puffed a cigarette despite most of my friends succumbing to the culture; I also don't quite fall for the supposed syok when you smoke after a meal. I was certain that the integrity in me would remain.

So it was that I survived my first semester in Carnegie Mellon sticking to the laws I was so often reminded of back in the Halal haven of Malaysia. It was quite an experience. I now know for sure that tuna tacos taste like shit; that I would rather fast than eat another vegetarian meal; that the vegan eatery here--Evgefstos--serves a million different kinds of shit that all taste the same; that too much greens will end up as seaweed-like complements to your feces; that fish isn't really fresh when you're so far away from a decent seashore; that meat, when you had the chance to eat it, was tasty, tasty murder. I did get chicken and beef and sometimes mutton once in a while. Salem's Halal Meats is just a few blocks away and I had the common kitchen in Boss House. Also, every Friday the Islamic Center would sell set meals after prayers. But I was paying USD 5,000 a year on my meal plan, which gave me 22 meals plus $70 every two weeks and didn't rollover. And Carnegie Mellon food is really as bad as people say. And not Halal. Slowly, the stoicism in me was hacked away.

But then many who had previously stuck to the strict Halal rule had somehow found out it was okay to cut themselves some slack. Some cite the fact that Jews and Christians are Abrahamic religions (agama samawi) or 'people of the book' since their respective holy books are recognized by Islam. Some say Kosher is Halal and that "diorang sebut nama tuhan sebelum sembelih" without quite knowing what they're saying. Some cite the darurat rule; that Halal meat isn't found where they live, or is too costly or leceh to obtain. Some couldn't care less. And almost all would say "Islam tak bebankan umat". My beef (pun intended) with all these arguments--or to put it in other terms, why I don't buy them--is that:

1. I fail to see how we could still consider Jews and Christians as people of the book. We Muslims believe their respective holy books have been altered, unlike ours. We also believe that God gave Jesus the Injil but the Christian bible(s) of today is (are) clearly written by man, with sections edited, unallowed or omitted by councils throughout the years. In fact, I'm under the impression that the Bible is more of Jesus' sunnah since it's a compilation of books about his life and his quotes, written by his disciples, unlike the Qur'an which we take as a narrative by God.
   
2. Search Kashrut and Kosher--the Jewish term for their law and their Halal equivalent--and compare with Halal. People easily assume that since Kashrut rules for slaughtering animals are stricter than Halal rules, anything Kosher is Halal. Islam requires that the name of God be spoken before the slaughter of every animal, whereas Kashrut laws require only an umbrella blessing for a whole session, not every single animal: there in itself is a huge hole blown in many an argument for Kosher-Halal similarities.
3. In terms of darurat, I could understand it if I was in a small town with absolutely no Halal meat. For one, I have Salem's, and any qualms I have is that I'm sick and tired of their only menu: briyani, curry and salad. But it was, I thought at first, better than nothing, and something to hold on to.

Salem's briyani was awesome the first time I ate it. I even thought "Hot damn! Four years of this? I can live with that". Even kids from Penn State drive three hours to get here just for nasi Salem. I, however, changed my mind after my third platter (in my second week here). But then my friends in other cities and towns with no source of Halal meat whatsoever cited the Qur'an and some sunnah they googled that's conveniently in their favor and voila! due to darurat, they're eating breakfast, lunch and dinner at Taco Bell, Q'doba and Wendy's. I have Salem's so is being in Pittsburgh considered darurat? Questionable. I mean, you can't expect people to live off rich curries every day, can you? And if I was indeed under darurat, wouldn't that be like pilih kasih in the sense that the families here have to eat Halal since they can but I'm allowed some lee-way since I'm living alone on campus? And it was odd that in a place where no Halal butcher was present, darurat could stand. But in Pittsburgh where it's quite rare, darurat doesn't stand. Does this also mean that if I open up a Halal hot dog stand in one of those darurat towns, they'd all have to stop going katok and eat my hot dog only? Let's say katok is okay; what if I had a beef jerky in my pocket in Pittsburgh and I flew back to Malaysia? If location can render something okay or not okay, where are the limits and how do we set them?

I hate doubt so I decided no.

Then came the fateful winter break of 2008 in which I was stood up in New York City by my one and only mother. Yes, kecewa lagi, Ma. Anyway, I stayed for two weeks with a friend whose family ran the Islamic school I attended as a child. And the first day already she ordered pizza and wings from Domino's. Needless to say, it was very awkward for me to question her dietary justifications since, after all, it was her mother who has been telling me what is (religiously) right and wrong for so many years. But she's always been one of those anak mithalis whom everyone adores so I thought "what the fuck, taram je la, I'm on holiday anyway". I also thought of that rule where you don't turn down what your host offers you or something to that effect. Either way, they looked delicious.....and tasted even better.

She later on told me she abides by the 'people of the book' thing. I took that at face value, and did not argue. Later on when I called my mother, she told me to just eat and be happy and stop complaining about susah nak makan. She even cited a sunnah--something I'd argue with some of the above points if it was a peer on the other end of the line. Tapi tak baik derhaka. Easy way out? Guess so.

When I returned to Pittsburgh, I arrived on campus at 1:00 AM when only one place was still open: Si Señor. Extremely hungry, I tried their fabled chicken wings and until this day I am a fan. From that very first half-dozen chicken wing goreng tepung, life here has been somewhat lebih ceria.

I had a roommate who was a dirty, rude, unhygienic, selfish prick who farted at night because he's vegetarian and eats rice and beans every day. He also told everyone I was a charity case because I was under scholarship, unlike him who's a rich brat whose father pays the full USD 50,000 every year. My floor was mainly people who enjoyed playing Dungeons & Dragons and took a passionate interest in all the anime bullshit, on top of anything remotely Japanese like ninjas and God knows whatever they call that martial art one of them practiced. Of the 24 who were on my floor, at least seven of them are the founding members of CMUs Atheists, Humanists and Agnostics. Every now and then in the lounge you'd hear them discuss or argue or dictate whether one is agnostic or an atheist or whether any of the current proof of Creation is actually legitimate. During our first night in that dorm, one girl came up to a few of us all sweaty, and dug a finger into her cleavage. She showed us the daki that had collected under her fingernail and commented on how she finds 'boob cheese' very interesting. Once, a girl told us of how she was very religious but just not on the sex part because she can't live without it. She went on to say that she's non-denominal--which was, in her description to me: "We believe in evolution and the Bible. So monkeys did evolve, and the first that was 100% human was Adam. It all makes sense that way. Oh, and we don't get baptized". Another person taught us of how evolution means we don't need to procreate anymore because "human vaginas are in front and not at the back, like on animals". So sex is just for pleasure and fun.

Some people I know elsewhere have said my failure of integrating with those closest to me is all down to my not opening up to them. It's easy for you idiots to say so when you're in a fucking kampung Melayu, rooming with people you've known and grown to love, sharing a car, splitting the cost, taking classes together, going places in your group. I don't have that advantage. And for the record, I hate the kampung Melayus in the huge universities. If there's one thing about Pittsburgh I'd never give up, that would be the small Malay society here: no drama, no ridiculous gossip. I loathed this city as a freshman. When things got even worse for me, lagi la benci. But I should think I've learnt what I like and don't like, and I now appreciate what I have here.

Also, Spring 2008 wasn't the best time in my life. January was a bitch. February worse. By March I could only sleep a few hours a night. April and May seemed to have a brighter outlook but then I just had to go to the stupid and pointless Midwest Games. Coupled with the inexplicably horrible grades of both semesters, I would rate the Happiness of my freshman year as 5 on a scale of 1-10. Every year has its ups and downs, but this was the first time I could say I was really, really agitated and out of my skin. Sometimes I'd check out ticket prices just to see if I could pack up my bags and go home ASAP.

My decision to ditch the strictness of old and actually eat--that has set the tone for my time here ever since. I'm not saying, "katoklah anda and you will smile". I apologize to my friends who think me a turncoat for being so headstrong on eating Halal back then. I can only assume that my defection to the Dark Side has left you somewhat disappointed in me. I am not writing this to make excuses for myself. I know it is wrong. And I know I'm probably weak for not sticking to my guns. I'm just saying that in my case, it made my time here a little more bearable.

Initially, whenever I eat anything katok I get scared for a bit. I'd feel a pang of guilt whenever I eat not-exactly-Halal meat (I can't say non-Halal now, can I? There still is a bit of denial in me). My fear sprang from the fact that it all tastes just the same--you won't die if it isn't slaughtered the correct way; saying God's name won't magically/miraculously alter the meat; blood drained or not, sama je. I will still stay away from alcohol, pork, benda dua alam or anything else that we wouldn't eat back in Malaysia. The fear and guilt in me is proof I know that although it's the same damn thing to our taste buds, someone up there knows it's not. It used to bother me so, this guilt. But now that I have accepted my situation, I'm just happy that at least I'm aware of what's right and what's wrong. Yes, I may be in the wrong and you can say that I can live without it and you can cite the others here who are just fine. But this is one area I'm willing to be selfish and sacrifice piety for happiness.

For those of you who stick to the right rules and all that, I only have one word for you: respect. I hope none of you are offended by my personal choices. And I hope you never have to see me eating non-Halal meat (fine) or its by-products if you deem that insensitive.

Live. And let live.

Jeremy Clarkson Agrees With Me (Somewhat)

I am sure many have been offended by my previous article, but my boyhood hero, Jeremy Clarkson actually agrees. Here I quote from his piece on the Alfa Romeo MiTo in his column in The Times.

"For some time now I’ve been on the hunt for a new one but the choice is tricky. I couldn’t have a Breitling because I don’t own an Audi. I couldn’t have a Calvin Klein because they are pants, I couldn’t have a Gucci because I’m not a footballist’s wife, I couldn’t have a TW Steel because my wrist isn’t big enough to sport something that can be seen from space, I couldn’t have a Tissot because I’m not eight and the only thing in the world worse than a fake Rolex is a real one."

Obviously you who take offense would think 'Aha! He hates Rolexes; the very brand you kiss-ass'. No. I only like that one model because it looks that way. It's not a brand thing. It's a look thing. It's like liking aviators; you don't care if they're Ray Ban or not, just as long as they look like fucking aviators. Rolexes these days...have too much gold and diamonds and bling. Hence Clarkson's utter dislike.

"And then one day, in Hong Kong, I saw it. A new Omega. It’s called the Railmaster and it is a thing of unparalleled beauty. There is no button that owners think will call for help if they find themselves in a crashing helicopter on Kilimanjaro, it is not waterproof to 8,000 metres, there is no stopwatch, there is no swivelling bezel to tell you how much air you have left in your tanks and you even have to wind it up every morning or it will stop. Plainly this is a watch for the sedentary soul. The man with no hang glider or mini sub in his garage. I bought it in an instant."

And it is a beauty. I won't like it due to the leather strap. But google it and you'll see it really is as he says it. Oh, and you can't blame me for being too fussy about all the gadgetry on watches these days, now, can you?

As an aside, the Alfa Romeo MiTo is named so because it was designed in Milano (Milan) and built in Torino (Turin). In Series 12 Episode 5 of Top Gear, Jeremy asked "what if they designed it in Twickenham and built it in Attercliffe?"

Second Hands That Don't Stop Are Just Weird

Wristwatches or clocks come in a gazillion varieties nowadays. So much so that they just piss me off. If you're one of those high society freaks who have to dress for every occasion (and breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, strolls in the park, bedtime are all very, very different occasions) either just because or more commonly because of fashion reasons, then fine. But not everybody can afford thousand dollar pieces on their wrists, and not many have the 'culture' or the romance of old to spend enough money to buy a freaking Perodua Kancil for a grandfather clock that's not too stylish in their modern homes, and requires winding every so often.

I remember back in 2001 I wanted a new watch. It was hard. I go to shops knowing what I want. So I get in, take what I want, pay and get the hell outta there. We have the internet, we have catalogues; I don't see the point in standing around mannequins and racks and shelves for hours, feeling around and trying things out. I do, however believe in doing so for minutes at a time. Anyway, the point here is about watches. All I wanted was something simple.

You'd think it's easy, buying a watch. Not because we're choosy: there's an abundance of choice out there. But because it's personal. I had my strap adjusted the other day and the guy was very specific about every single detail. He said many people are very specific not just about what they like in a watch, but how they wear it--looseness of the strap, the size of the face relative to their wrists, etc. Which is true since the watch on our hand is the most personal item on our person after our phones and wallets. You don't leave home without those three. And for me, my left arm gets weird without it on me. I can't drive properly (it doesn't feel natural), when I run my armswings are awkward, and my hands just doesn't feel right when I put them in my pocket. A watch isn't just a timepiece. It's very much a part of us as it is a part of our everyday lives. Like underwear or bras--it's just wrong without 'em, despite their being purely human creations.

"I want something simple yet elegant, with maybe the date. But that's not such an issue". And how did that work out for me? I scoured the malls of KL, the shops of Mecca and Medina, and even three malls in Jakarta. All to no avail.

Did Tag Heuer offer any of that? No. They just have to have these stupid konon fancy crowns, and the face has to be carbon fibre like the McLaren Formula One cars they sponsor, and the hands just have to be neon orange or something ridiculous like that. And they'd have at least three dials. Patek Philippe have some pretty ones, but that's it: they're too pretty you'd look metrosexual in them. And then there's the small matter of the price, because, as they say: "You never actually own a Patek Philippe. You merely look after it for the next generation". Why, oh why, do we need power reserve indicators? It's not a car, in which an empty tank would be a huge problem. It's a watch. If it's low on power, the second hand can just skip a beat--move double the distance every other second--and you'd know you can head over to the drugstore and get new batteries. It's not the end of the world, and other people know the time too.

And then there's the stupid stopwatch feature. Of course so many are easily fooled. They think they're cool because they have a huge-ass watch on their stick-thin wrists that can be seen from a mile away, and it has five dials or buttons which you could press and the whole thing goes berzerk--second hand rotating counter clockwise, minute hand showing signs of a seizure. Why? If you really do need a stopwatch, why use an expensive Tag? Get a Casio--it's digital, and you can have your laps and splits. Why use something that's hard to read (the second hand in a tiny face here, the millisecond hand on a tinier face there...) when there are cheaper/better alternatives? Why even think of something as stupid as that at all? I thought Tag Heuer and friends catered for the rich who have a watch for every single damn thing they want to do. Why do you put a stopwatch on your expensive watches when you know people wont wear them when they jog or dive or swim? It's pointless yet demand is high, so why do people buy them?

The face of the watch is the most important feature. It's what you look at every time you want the time--which is probably around ten times a day. I still don't get why you need oval faces. For men, I mean. I understand women need them to match their jewelery sometimes it looks like a bracelet, and that's perfectly fine. The beauty of women is etched in their curves so it's only feminine if a watch looks less rounded. Not to say that women can't wear round-faced watches. But short hands and oval faces on men--not cool. Neither round, nor square faces--well then, you're neither here, nor there. Square faces? They look good if you're a character from 2001: A Space Odyssey, and it looks good...on some people. Some. The hands rotate in a circular motion; just leave the faces round for fuck's sake. And make 'em less gay, less poyo, less flashy.

Now we get to the strap. I should think all types of straps have their appeal. But nobody looks good in suit or tux if they wear anything plastic or Velcro or most digital watches for that matter. Sure there's a time and place for everything, but if you could choose something universal, what'd it be? A leather strap just isn't for me as of now. I don't quite have the luxury for a second or third watch, so I'd rather stick to one through thick and thin. And then there's also the small matter of leather/suede and its water- and smell-related issues. So, steel it is then. Have you seen the steel straps for men's watches these days? You look at them and they're just so gender-polarized. Either they're just slightly bigger than their women's counterparts, but still as feminine and still very gay to wear. Or they're just like tiny pieces of bricks, crudely-designed squares or rectangles with sharp edges. In the 1980's, cars were too squarish (e.g. Proton Saga), in the 1990's they were too round, making them look bulky (e.g. Mercedes Benz E-Class, W210). And then there are the fancy ones that think they got it right having a mix of both, with weirdo lines here and there making the watch look like it came from outer space. Just like any recent Pontiac--so rounded it looks like shit, and then you have these pointless lines here and there that make it worse. Now in the Naughties, we have an awesome blend of curves and lines and creases, resulting in the sexy new generation of Merc's and--off the top my head--the Cadillac CTS, any new Volkswagen or Audi, anything from Aston Martin, the new Dodge Charger. Just look at Merc's new GLK and the CLS; or the BMW X6, pointless as it is. Now those are pretty. And I'm not just gaga over the luxury brands: Kia, Honda Mazda and Ford are close behind. You don't want a buffed up 300 pound jock, nor do you want a wafer-thin wimp who exudes innocence and tenderness. You don't want something showy, with awkward motifs and shit. You'd want the James Bond of watches: he won't pack a mean punch, he doesn't come in and show his awesome biceps; yet he's no pushover, he's no "oh, I feel tho depreththed today I jutht need thome chocolate" (with a threthh on the 't' in 'chocolate'). Why can't straps be low-key, yet elegant?

People hate the what-the-fuck-is-that days of the Casio G Shock where straps are a mixture of Velcro and clips and god-knows-what and have rubber protectors for the glass. They hate the konon alternative-ness of the ring watch because you just need something on your wrist. They hate a lot of things. Yet they like the huge, bold and very crude offerings from Fossil because they think it makes them a manly man. They like anything from Tag because 1) it's a Tag and 2) they think the crown is 'pretty' and 3) it's got all these cool things it can do and it's got glow-in-the-dark neon orange hands and that F1 champ wears it. They like anything you think a pimp might want because they crave your attention. They'd get $10 Casios because they can't be bothered to learn to read analog watches (and it's waterproof and has a stopwatch, they'll insist). Geeks/nerds will want the remote control watch or the calculator watch because they think it's cool.

We hate lots of these things yet there is a group of people out there who treasure these items. I'd just love to rant about how hard it is for me to find something I like, but I guess it's the same for everyone since the poyo would have a problem due to the abundance of poyo-ness out there. Wherever you are on the spectrum, you're screwed anyway. As to where this is going, I have absolutely no idea. I saw an ad by Hublot and it had a watch that had a nonstop second hand, which prompted the title but now apparently I have digressed and written my opinion on the market for watches and to an extent, clocks. Well, in November 2003 I finally found something I like. It's titanium so it was light and didn't have that solid feel of something so personal and so valuable. But your hands and arms would 'learn' your watch, in time. That Seiko, though, in all its not-so-grandness, was the sleekest and prettiest of 'em all TO ME. I take issue with these kind/design of watches because not only are they so rare, they are usually extremely expensive. It isn't hard to design something without aesthetics. It's probably cheaper to make since it doesn't need spinning crowns and extra mechanisms for stupid stopwatches. Yet only the grandest brands make these kinds. It's like only the Rolls Royces and the Bentleys make 2.0 sedans and everyone else makes coupés and hot hatches. The 2.0 sedans will still be sedans and still be 2.0 but they'd be ridiculously expensive due to their fancy badge (and superior build quality, I should add). But this Seiko I found was an exception to the rule, so I bought it. My gift for 8As in PMR.

In recent months I have looked around online and in all my looking around, found only three I could agree upon. One is the Rolex Explorer. Before you pass judgment on such high taste on my part, google it and take a look for yourself. Not the Explorer II. But the original Explorer designed for members of Sir Edmund Hillary's climb up Everest in 1953. The fact that it was designed so long ago and still is in production goes to show what a timeless (pun intended) classic it is. Why Rolex just had to 'touch it up' with a white face and a silly rotatable crown, only God knows. But take a look at the Explorer and tell me it isn't the James Bond of watches. Okay, fine. Maybe it isn't exactly 007 due to the lack of gadgetry, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I can't have it even if I had a million dollars to burn: the dad has it, and that would lack originality. Or would it? (Maybe our preferences are indeed the same?) Then there was one each from Maurice Lacroix and Jaeger-LeCoultre. All three very similar, and priced between $1,300 and $5,000. Well? Well. Well at least I know what I want. It may be impossible to find a watch I like, much less get one, but that makes it all the more worth it. Which is why I love this Seiko, even if I could have had something more solid or 'classy' or 'of a higher stature' (or pricier, in short).

And on a side note, watches or clocks are synonymous to the tick-tocking of a timepiece. And they can only tick-tock if the second hand ticks one second and then tocks the next. So second hands that don't stop are just weird.

Patience, Second Chances & Letting Go

I gave it everything I had. I gave it a second chance. I put my trust and belief in it all this time. When others were saying 'to hell with it', I soldiered on, hoping that my faith would prove fruitful one day. And as they laugh at what they can't perceive, my loyalty went unquestioned. Until yesterday.

Sure it'd be easy to ditch something not entirely correct or effective or efficient for something that works like a dream. In fact, that's simple economics. A situation is inefficient if a change can be made in which at least one party will be better off, but none will be worse off. But just because something, some aspect of our lives is lacking--is inefficient--does that mean any change we do to correct it would render our life efficient?

Enough with the jargon-y bullshit.

I try my best to keep things simple; to not have third parties involved. Up till yesterday I used IE7 because I use Windows and would like everything as Microsoft as can be. I couldn't care less about speed. It loads just fine; a few milliseconds doesn't make that much difference. If it was lagging or reminiscent of the line-by-line days of dial-up, then that'd be a different story. Then there is that flash plug-in problem that crashes IE at least twice a day. This usually happens when I open a flash-heavy site like Facebook or Soccernet. Sometimes, new tabs just keep opening nonstop and I'd have to terminate IE using Task Manager. I haven't the slightest idea if that's the flash plug-in's fault or if it's just IE's stupid programming rearing its ugly head, but everything would be better if I had Firefox or Chrome or Safari.

So it was that yesterday I updated to Internet Explorer 8. Microsoft released it after months of beta testing and announced that it was faster than the others. And it (as have other Microsoft updates) rendered my sound card useless/undetectable. And my processor; all three cores. And some PCI controllers. And the monitor. I open Device Manager and there's an exclamation mark beside all of them; Error Code 37, can't load driver. How can you not load the driver for your processor?
And that was the last straw. Not only has IE been slower, it's buggier and takes up more memory, and now it fucks your system up. Now I'll have to reinstall Windows and we all know the effort and time that'll take.

And what's worse is that IE8 is supposed to be better than the rest. If Microsoft could be bold enough to claim it's the best one out there, they should put their money where their mouth is. But alas, we all have our limits. I have stayed true to my words and supported their proprietary browser/software ever since the early days of IE vs. Netscape. I only stopped using Windows Media Player because my dad gifted me an iPod. I did, though, give IE one last shot for old time's sake: I opened up Yahoo! Mail (YM tells me IE8 is optimized for Yahoo! but only with their freaking toolbar installed) in hopes of the "Set Y! Mail as default webmail" option (a fix that leads all "mailto" links straight to your webmail client). And how did that work out? I was disappointed yet again. Of the millions you put into the R&D, you can't spare a thought for the millions who use webmail.

So there it was that I ended my 13-year commitment to IE and jump ship to the only browser that stands out for me, Firefox, but only because it's the only one that can direct any "mailto" links straight to Yahoo! Mail.

Loyalty is rare these days. People outgrow everything so easily, as do these things outgrow us. You cannot expect people or computer programs or cars to be perfect or squeaky clean or everything you want/hope them to be. We all make mistakes, and we should, of course, expect others to fuck up every now and then. And we forgive them, pat them on the back and say "chin up" and smile so they wont feel bad. But if people have the grace to treat us that way once we let them down, responding by plunging ourselves into even deeper shit is just not cool. Loyalties always come bundled with a commitment--something, when made in our favor, is a measure of people's faith and trust in us. So why fuck them over when they duly defend you, when they are your confidantes?

Yes, I changed my mind. Many of you who have given me stick for being loyal to what I ultimately gave up would surely have a field day at my change of allegiance. But note this: I stayed true to my words, I gave it my all, I gave it a second chance, I stuck by it through thick and thin. I gave it up with the knowledge that this is an avenue I have truly exhausted. I have no doubts about my decision; none of those "what ifs" running through my head.

How many of you Firefox-obsessed assholes have jumped ship to Chrome or Safari at the behest of their perceived superiority or speed? How many of you who are literally in bed with a Firefox right now would jump ship if it merely started being as shit as you say IE is? Have a little sentimentality for something you believe in. That's what makes us human.

Pengaruh Rakan Sebaya (Ahmad Nazmi)

I have an exam in 4 hours but I guess breakfast isn't quite enough to get the study mood to kick in. And then I found this from Gokun so I decided to have a go. It's interesting (for me, at least) since it's an adventure-type quiz. Answers are pretty hit-and-miss but what the hell.

Your view on yourself: You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
YA! Saya agak tertarik dengan petikan ini.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for: You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Babi ah, baru je gelakkan Gokun...sekali tengok dapat sama. Cis.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship: You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.
*Tergamam*

The seriousness of your love: You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
*Angguk bersetuju, namun sedikit takut akan ketepatannya*

Your views on education: Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
Yang ini mungkin sedikit dusta.

The right job for you: You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
Tapi saya gemar berkhayal...

How do you view success: You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
Jikalau ekonomi Malaysia jahanam (dalam 5-10 tahun akan datang), siapakah yang anda akan salahkan?

What are you most afraid of: You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
This is why I don't trust many people.

Who is your true self: You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
Ayat pertama itu agak membanggakan. Ayat kedua sudah kurang tepat kebelakangan ini. Ayat ketiga itu sangat tepat.

Giving Back to Society: Netgear MP101 & Windows Vista

If you have a Netgear MP101 Wireless Digital Music Player and can't play it/have problems with it on a Windows Vista server, that's because the firmware isn't compatible and Vista has different network timing (MTU). Netgear has withdrew support for the out-of-life product and some awesome guys from the MP101 fan club have made their own firmware for Vista users. Here's how you could fix your MP101:

1. Download the following folder (1.4.7 beta.rar) on an XP computer with the Netgear server software installed. In case you lost the bundled server, I have also linked it from Netgear's website.
2. Un-RAR the folder and copy both files (NG.vr and VA1.4.7RNG.2.img) into: Program Files\Netgear\Update. This has to be done on a computer with XP, and using Netgear's bundled software.
3. Get the MP101 to connect to the server on that XP computer and use its 'Update' function. It should go through without issue.

Unofficial Vista-compatible firmware:
http://www.2shared.com/file/4931350/78851d55/147_beta.html

Netgear Server Software:
ftp://downloads.netgear.com/files/MP101_S3_3_23.zip

This should fix the following problems on Vista:

• No ID3 tag reading (no song name, artist, etc.)
• Connection failure midway through a song.
• Can't continue to next track.

The MP101 is an awesome product that serves its purpose well. Its kind is now obsolete because people have stepped up their streaming to include HD video. For me, I bought the MP101 because I found an extra set of 2.1 speakers and decided I want music when I shower or take a dump. iPods don't have a remote I could use to change songs while in the shower.

To all of you out there who took the effort in making the 1.4.7 firmwre, thank you so much.

To anyone still faithful to a simple yet effective player as this, I hope this helps.

What I Learnt at PLKN Part II

Shazwan Azizan says:
tgh dload lagu patriotik

Liyana Zakaria says:
eh please la i dh muak dah lagu patriotik dkt plkn

Shazwan Azizan says:
i dah rindu

Liyana Zakaria says:
bangun siren pagi2 pun lagu patriotik

Shazwan Azizan says:
ibu pertiwi is the bomb

Liyana Zakaria says:
eee u bgn pagi2 siren apa?

Liyana Zakaria says:
bukan lagu2 cibai kan?

Liyana Zakaria says:
kalau lagu2 mcm i kena mesti dh taknak dengar bila habis plkn 3 bulan

Shazwan Azizan says:
siren biasa

Liyana Zakaria says:
haa ok la tu

Liyana Zakaria says:
u tk rasa apa i rasa

Shazwan Azizan says:
i met a girl who thratened me just because i was looking her direction

Shazwan Azizan says:
i met a guy who told us how he and his friends drugged and gang raped a girl

Shazwan Azizan says:
i met a guy who told us he helped a girl yg kena histeria and was posessed by some jin yg mati tak dikebumi betul2 so he had to ask his friend to kapan and tanamkan dia to appease the jin

Shazwan Azizan says:
i met kids who have no ambition in life

Liyana Zakaria says:
T_T

Shazwan Azizan says:
whether or not i tak rasa apa u rasa is irrelevant

Liyana Zakaria says:
u menang plkn siapa paling cibai

Shazwan Azizan says:
bukan cibai

Shazwan Azizan says:
but

Shazwan Azizan says:
kecewa

Shazwan Azizan says:
manusia mcm tu

Liyana Zakaria says:
T_T

Liyana Zakaria says:
its the experience we get


Right-O

My Apologies To My City

I know for sure there was a time when I hated this place. The weather. The public transportation. The not-too-big, not-too-small-ness of it (planes from our airport fly to Chicago via Detroit, to Detroit via Chicago, once even to New York via Detroit). It's too hilly (pedestrian unfriendly), lacks parking (too car unfriendly), and has a subway system that doesn't quite serve the areas you would think it should.

It did have some awesome sights though. I remember my first view of Pittsburgh. Coming from the airport, as you exit Fort Pitt tunnel, the city's skyline takes up your whole view. Downtown; the shiny PPG Place; Heinz Field in all its glory, looking like an alien spaceship; PNC Park; Carnegie Science Center. The rivers add a nice touch to it, too. I rarely say this about anything, but the view was breathtaking, as I sat in the 28X, trudging slowly beside the Monongahela. Later on in my first week I was introduced to the quaint neighborhood of Squirrel Hill, with all its shops and al fresco cafés.

But I guess that was it. The cold soon came and I became a hermit staying indoors. I blame the buses (canceled trips), I blame the cold, I blame me being hung up, I blame the lack of shops nearby CMU, I blame the difficulties of fitting in, I blame CMU, I blame a lot more; I blame a lot.

But maybe it's the friends I made. Maybe it's the Steelers. Heck, maybe even the Pirates! I'm sure it wasn't Mt. Washington: I've yet to get a nice view up there. I doubt it's CMU; I'll only love this place the very day I have to leave for good. Maybe it's the unveiling of a million different things to eat by choosing to go katok? Maybe it's the fact that some people actually think this place is awesome (albeit compared to their 'rural' campus towns). Maybe it's the independence of living in my own place. The myriad of bridges, possibly?

Someone joked that a friend of his said it was "a bore" over here--"nothing much, really". And that hurt. It struck home. But I am not moved by the fact that someone could say something like that and know that I can't say much in defense. Or that someone thinks little of The 'Burgh. What surprises me is that I am affected by those mere words. And that can only mean that I actually love my city. I love Pittsburgh.

This is long due, Steel City: I am sorry.

A Winter of Reflection

In three weeks I bummed around, was a tourist guide, was a parent to my parent, saw close to 30 movies, got my first-ever speeding ticket, saw the Amish, paid back a friend, and befriended a friendly cow.

I have learnt:
+ that I throw like a girl (I am big enough to admit this, Dian)
+ that listening to my favorite tunes makes me speed (Carry On My Wayward Son by Kansas; the fine was $167.50)
+ that I apparently like cleaning and am quite okay with the idea of a surarumah
+ that cows are cute (or atleast they can be)
+ that US highways are quite confusing (an Interstate route can be a highway, yet a highway isn't necessarily an Interstate?)
+ that speeding tickets can be a bitch (I could've gotten a lovely camel coat from Banana Republic with that money)
+ that I love Pittsburgh despite all its shortcomings
+ that I don't quite like weed
+ that stand up comedy can be quite funny

2008-2009 Holiday Merayap List:
+ Niagara Falls, NY
+ Pocono Mountains & Milford, PA
+ Strasburg and Lancaster, PA
+ Ann Arbor, MI

2008-2009 Holiday Playlist:
+ Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
+ Australia
+ The Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
+ Happy Gilmore
+ Saving Silverman
+ Back to the Future 2
+ Back to the Future 3
+ Shrek
+ The Piano
+ I Love You, I Love You Not
+ Tropic Thunder
+ Batman
+ Something's Gotta Give
+ As Good As It Gets
+ Mamma Mia
+ The Prestige
+ Moulin Rouge!
+ The Family Stone
+ Family Guy Presents Blue Harvest
+ Before Sunrise
+ Frost/Nixon
+ The Shining
+ Doubt
+ One Fine Day
+ Before Sunset
+ Prelude to a Kiss
+ The Green Mile
+ Vicky Cristina Barcelona
+ Yes Man
+ The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2008-2009 Holiday Book List:
+ A Brief History of Time - Stephen Hawking
+ Angels & Demons - Dan Brown (pointless to read if you haven't read the previous book)
+ The Gathering - Anne Enright

2008-2009 Holiday Bakar Duit List:
+ $360 Phenom X3 PC
+ $4 shirts at Banana Republic
(Both so cheap, in the wise words of Mama: berdosa kalau tak beli)


As interesting as it all may have been, it would've been pointless without the people I shared it with. Remember that, and don't ever forget =)

Mandul Shmandul: A Nightmare To Think About

Bad dreams are normal; you get one every now and then. But sometimes you get one which scares the shit outta you. The kind where you wake up in the middle of the night--or the next morning--with cold sweat, heart beating like a drum, muscles tensed, gripped with fear. You may get over it pretty soon, and just brush it off as just a dream. Or some of us freak out at how surreal some dreams may feel; like they were more of an epiphany or prophecy--an eerily possible view of how you'll end up--than they are just random images in your mind.

I've had one that's been bugging me for weeks now.

I enter my home in KL and am greeted by my 2-year old cousin Shahmi. He tries to talk to me in gibberish, probably trying to explain something he did earlier, and I try my best to play along but my attempts were all in vain. So I carry him and throw him in the air, lift him up and swing him around--the usual things you do to a baby; and he laughs, showing his crooked set of teeth. A while later I sit down and read a freshly received e-mail containing my full medical report. Doctor says apparently I'm perfectly healthy except for the itty-bitty fact that I'm sterile. Mandul. Peluru kapur. Shoot blanks.

I am scared. I panic. What does this mean? How did this happen? Why is it even happening to me? Where did I go wrong? What are the implications? How immasculating in this? How will this change the way people see me? Will every girl I fancy consider me a 'dead end' if they knew? Will I warm up to the idea of adopting? Would the lack of blood relation hold me back? So many questions flood me. So many.

I admit I do get emotional. I do overreact. But I don't question the unfairness of it. I am simply overwhelmed by thoughts of "so what now?" as I try to get some perspective on the matter at hand. And I get scared. Scared of being an outcast. Scared of being a dead end in my bloodline. Scared of the sociological impact it would have on me. But wait, it's not that big a deal. It's not that bad. After all, it only means that I can't--

And suddenly that little boy walks into the room and calls me chirpily. He points toward the porch and says "car... car". He has enthusiasm etched on his face. He has shoes on both feet. I stand there and just look at him squarely in the eyes. All he wants is to go out for a drive; to see the dogs out on a walk; to spend five or so minutes on playground rides. I am rendered motionless, still staring at him. I could feel the heat behind my eyes; slowly it builds up. I do not blink, not even wince. The image of him standing there, wondering what the hell is wrong with me, gets blurry. My throat tightens and when I swallow, a tear escapes my eye, leaving a trail of warmth as it drifts down my cheek. His smile is gone as he wonders what is wrong. I carry him and tell him "Not today, Shahmi. Not today". And as I walk away with him firmly in my arms, my fingers twirling his ridiculously curly hair, I can't help but think 'so close, yet so far'.

I am now sad. Sad that a huge portion of the future has been rendered impossible for me. That even if I wanted to, it would never be my 'flesh and blood'. I called a friend and shared the news. I had nothing more to say other than that, and I doubt anyone I knew knew what to say in response to something like that. They can try, but they would never understand. Just like how I wouldn't understand the feeling of someone whose parents got divorced or someone who suffered the death of a close one. I know that, and they know that, and we know that the other knows too. Sometimes we feel it is unfair for people to expect so much from us when they tell us things we could never understand. But it is unfair for them to have friends--close friends--yet feel so alone. We may not even be able to comprehend what they are going through, but when someone tells you something private, something personal, something intimate, it is pretty evident they trust you would be a good listening ear. For many people, just getting it off their chests is all they want, despite it not being nearly enough help. The friend and I meet up with two others and nobody says a word. They know I just need the company. I know they have a joint on them and duly ask for it: breaking tradition as well as breaking the silence. I finally start talking. As to why I dream of this, I can't quite say. I admit I've wanted to try it before, but somehow I've never really gotten to it. I probably would some time soon, but maybe I'll save it for days like this.

Later on I try to calm myself (as well as do the right thing) by calling my mother. I tell her the news. She laughs thinking I'm joking, that I have nothing better to do. I tell her again. She tells me to stop it, she wasn't born yesterday. I get tired just at the thought that from now on I have to convince people that I am one in a million; that this has indeed happened to me. "I will never provide a single cucu for you". The silence on the other end of the line tells me she has finally digested it. Maybe it was the choice of words, maybe the tone; I don't know. She is apologetic and sympathetic at first, but being a mother it is only natural for her to be protective of her child. "Listen..." she begins, obviously lost for words. "It's not the end of the world. Yes, it does mean something la obviously, but...I dunno lah. Don't think about it too much for now". I told her I'm fine but babysitting a baby is really kind of rubbing it in. She said adoption may seem weird because of the lack of a pregnancy. But in time, nobody notices.

What else was she gonna say, anyway? What else could she say that wasn't condescending? I am not that worried yet of issues I should deal with in the future. It's just that I've just been dealt a bitter blow and would very much like the time to lie down and sulk. I look at the little twerp and I am reminded of my blood relationship (or lack thereof) with him. But I love him just the same. With one arm I grab him as he walks by and I make him sit on my lap. He doesn't like it so he takes my phone and talks to my mom, looking so serious like a man on a mission. Pada hal melalut je lebih. I am amused by this.

Hmm, I guess if I could learn to love a not-so-cousin, adoption should be okay then. But the lines are blurred somewhat. He wasn't adopted, he is his parents' child. I'm just not blood related to his father or mother. Adoption... taking someone else's child. They won't have your features. None of your genes. And you know that somewhere out there is a man with the kid's eyes and a woman with the kid's nose.

Mama is fed up of listening to Shahmi's gibberish. Suddenly it hits me. The answer to my problem(s). The meaning of life (mine, at least). The solution. It may or may not be genius but it's enough for something to look forward to; especially when that something could come from nothing. I uncurl his puny little fingers from the phone.

"Single mother".