Two years ago I would have balked at you if you told me who I was today. But two years ago, things were very different: I wasn't living in Pittsburgh. I arrived here with the fresh hopes and optimism most of us had. In my mind I knew I'd stick to my beliefs with a passion; that I wouldn't easily be swayed by the weakness of others. I already had a pretty good track record in that for some reason (which to this day I myself can't understand), I've never puffed a cigarette despite most of my friends succumbing to the culture; I also don't quite fall for the supposed syok when you smoke after a meal. I was certain that the integrity in me would remain.
So it was that I survived my first semester in Carnegie Mellon sticking to the laws I was so often reminded of back in the Halal haven of Malaysia. It was quite an experience. I now know for sure that tuna tacos taste like shit; that I would rather fast than eat another vegetarian meal; that the vegan eatery here--Evgefstos--serves a million different kinds of shit that all taste the same; that too much greens will end up as seaweed-like complements to your feces; that fish isn't really fresh when you're so far away from a decent seashore; that meat, when you had the chance to eat it, was tasty, tasty murder. I did get chicken and beef and sometimes mutton once in a while. Salem's Halal Meats is just a few blocks away and I had the common kitchen in Boss House. Also, every Friday the Islamic Center would sell set meals after prayers. But I was paying USD 5,000 a year on my meal plan, which gave me 22 meals plus $70 every two weeks and didn't rollover. And Carnegie Mellon food is really as bad as people say. And not Halal. Slowly, the stoicism in me was hacked away.
But then many who had previously stuck to the strict Halal rule had somehow found out it was okay to cut themselves some slack. Some cite the fact that Jews and Christians are Abrahamic religions (agama samawi) or 'people of the book' since their respective holy books are recognized by Islam. Some say Kosher is Halal and that "diorang sebut nama tuhan sebelum sembelih" without quite knowing what they're saying. Some cite the darurat rule; that Halal meat isn't found where they live, or is too costly or leceh to obtain. Some couldn't care less. And almost all would say "Islam tak bebankan umat". My beef (pun intended) with all these arguments--or to put it in other terms, why I don't buy them--is that:
- I fail to see how we could still consider Jews and Christians as people of the book. We Muslims believe their respective holy books have been altered, unlike ours. We also believe that God gave Jesus the Injil but the Christian bible(s) of today is (are) clearly written by man, with sections edited, unallowed or omitted by councils throughout the years. In fact, I'm under the impression that the Bible is more of Jesus' sunnah since it's a compilation of books about his life and his quotes, written by his disciples, unlike the Qur'an which we take as a narrative by God.
- Search Kashrut and Kosher--the Jewish term for their law and their Halal equivalent--and compare with Halal. People easily assume that since Kashrut rules for slaughtering animals are stricter than Halal rules, anything Kosher is Halal. Islam requires that the name of God be spoken before the slaughter of every animal, whereas Kashrut laws require only an umbrella blessing for a whole session, not every single animal: there in itself is a huge hole blown in many an argument for Kosher-Halal similarities.
- In terms of darurat, I could understand it if I was in a small town with absolutely no Halal meat. For one, I have Salem's, and any qualms I have is that I'm sick and tired of their only menu: briyani, curry and salad. But it was, I thought at first, better than nothing, and something to hold on to.
Salem's briyani was awesome the first time I ate it. I even thought "Hot damn! Four years of this? I can live with that". Even kids from Penn State drive three hours to get here just for nasi Salem. I, however, changed my mind after my third platter (in my second week here). But then my friends in other cities and towns with no source of Halal meat whatsoever cited the Qur'an and some sunnah they googled that's conveniently in their favor and voila! due to darurat, they're eating breakfast, lunch and dinner at Taco Bell, Q'doba and Wendy's. I have Salem's so is being in Pittsburgh considered darurat? Questionable. I mean, you can't expect people to live off rich curries every day, can you? And if I was indeed under darurat, wouldn't that be like pilih kasih in the sense that the families here have to eat Halal since they can but I'm allowed some lee-way since I'm living alone on campus? And it was odd that in a place where no Halal butcher was present, darurat could stand. But in Pittsburgh where it's quite rare, darurat doesn't stand. Does this also mean that if I open up a Halal hot dog stand in one of those darurat towns, they'd all have to stop going katok and eat my hot dog only? Let's say katok is okay; what if I had a beef jerky in my pocket in Pittsburgh and I flew back to Malaysia? If location can render something okay or not okay, where are the limits and how do we set them?
I hate doubt so I decided no.
Then came the fateful winter break of 2008 in which I was stood up in New York City by my one and only mother. Yes, kecewa lagi, Ma. Anyway, I stayed for two weeks with a friend whose family ran the Islamic school I attended as a child. And the first day already she ordered pizza and wings from Domino's. Needless to say, it was very awkward for me to question her dietary justifications since, after all, it was her mother who has been telling me what is (religiously) right and wrong for so many years. But she's always been one of those anak mithalis whom everyone adores so I thought "what the fuck, taram je la, I'm on holiday anyway". I also thought of that rule where you don't turn down what your host offers you or something to that effect. Either way, they looked delicious.....and tasted even better.
She later on told me she abides by the 'people of the book' thing. I took that at face value, and did not argue. Later on when I called my mother, she told me to just eat and be happy and stop complaining about susah nak makan. She even cited a sunnah--something I'd argue with some of the above points if it was a peer on the other end of the line. Tapi tak baik derhaka. Easy way out? Guess so.
When I returned to Pittsburgh, I arrived on campus at 1:00 AM when only one place was still open: Si Señor. Extremely hungry, I tried their fabled chicken wings and until this day I am a fan. From that very first half-dozen chicken wing goreng tepung, life here has been somewhat lebih ceria.
I had a roommate who was a dirty, rude, unhygienic, selfish prick who farted at night because he's vegetarian and eats rice and beans every day. He also told everyone I was a charity case because I was under scholarship, unlike him who's a rich brat whose father pays the full USD 50,000 every year. My floor was mainly people who enjoyed playing Dungeons & Dragons and took a passionate interest in all the anime bullshit, on top of anything remotely Japanese like ninjas and God knows whatever they call that martial art one of them practiced. Of the 24 who were on my floor, at least seven of them are the founding members of CMUs Atheists, Humanists and Agnostics. Every now and then in the lounge you'd hear them discuss or argue or dictate whether one is agnostic or an atheist or whether any of the current proof of Creation is actually legitimate. During our first night in that dorm, one girl came up to a few of us all sweaty, and dug a finger into her cleavage. She showed us the daki that had collected under her fingernail and commented on how she finds 'boob cheese' very interesting. Once, a girl told us of how she was very religious but just not on the sex part because she can't live without it. She went on to say that she's non-denominal--which was, in her description to me: "We believe in evolution and the Bible. So monkeys did evolve, and the first that was 100% human was Adam. It all makes sense that way. Oh, and we don't get baptized". Another person taught us of how evolution means we don't need to procreate anymore because "human vaginas are in front and not at the back, like on animals". So sex is just for pleasure and fun.
Some people I know elsewhere have said my failure of integrating with those closest to me is all down to my not opening up to them. It's easy for you idiots to say so when you're in a fucking kampung Melayu, rooming with people you've known and grown to love, sharing a car, splitting the cost, taking classes together, going places in your group. I don't have that advantage. And for the record, I hate the kampung Melayus in the huge universities. If there's one thing about Pittsburgh I'd never give up, that would be the small Malay society here: no drama, no ridiculous gossip. I loathed this city as a freshman. When things got even worse for me, lagi la benci. But I should think I've learnt what I like and don't like, and I now appreciate what I have here.
Also, Spring 2008 wasn't the best time in my life. January was a bitch. February worse. By March I could only sleep a few hours a night. April and May seemed to have a brighter outlook but then I just had to go to the stupid and pointless Midwest Games. Coupled with the inexplicably horrible grades of both semesters, I would rate the Happiness of my freshman year as 5 on a scale of 1-10. Every year has its ups and downs, but this was the first time I could say I was really, really agitated and out of my skin. Sometimes I'd check out ticket prices just to see if I could pack up my bags and go home ASAP.
My decision to ditch the strictness of old and actually eat--that has set the tone for my time here ever since. I'm not saying, "katoklah anda and you will smile". I apologize to my friends who think me a turncoat for being so headstrong on eating Halal back then. I can only assume that my defection to the Dark Side has left you somewhat disappointed in me. I am not writing this to make excuses for myself. I know it is wrong. And I know I'm probably weak for not sticking to my guns. I'm just saying that in my case, it made my time here a little more bearable.
Initially, whenever I eat anything katok I get scared for a bit. I'd feel a pang of guilt whenever I eat not-exactly-Halal meat (I can't say non-Halal now, can I? There still is a bit of denial in me). My fear sprang from the fact that it all tastes just the same--you won't die if it isn't slaughtered the correct way; saying God's name won't magically/miraculously alter the meat; blood drained or not, sama je. I will still stay away from alcohol, pork, benda dua alam or anything else that we wouldn't eat back in Malaysia. The fear and guilt in me is proof I know that although it's the same damn thing to our taste buds, someone up there knows it's not. It used to bother me so, this guilt. But now that I have accepted my situation, I'm just happy that at least I'm aware of what's right and what's wrong. Yes, I may be in the wrong and you can say that I can live without it and you can cite the others here who are just fine. But this is one area I'm willing to be selfish and sacrifice piety for happiness.
For those of you who stick to the right rules and all that, I only have one word for you: respect. I hope none of you are offended by my personal choices. And I hope you never have to see me eating non-Halal meat (fine) or its by-products if you deem that insensitive.
Live. And let live.
