'Layan' With a Capital L

The things that makes me go weak in the knees, go 'ga-ga' on the inside, and give me those tingling sensations:

+ 100% pure juice. No preservatives. No sugar added. Kalau ada pulp lagi bagus.

+ Pineapple juice.

+ Gingel ale with a twist of lemon.

+ Kopi 'O Ais in the morning! To hell with all your stupid fancy Italian/French-named coffee.

+ Gawa or the kopi Arab some old Arab in an igaal would give you for buka puasa at the Masjidil Haram. It's like a slap in the face. The good kind.

+ Reading while taking a shit. My lifetime total would equal to three novels and countless Doraemons.

+ Correctly predicting the lines movies/TV shows.

+ Nyanyi dalam shower. Kurik Kundi is exactly 5:33 minutes long so singing it according to every note as per the mp3 would mean I do not spend too much time in the shower. Bagaikan Puteri is 4:52. I'm usually off by 3 seconds but cukup tepat a tu.

+ Honking assholes on the road. This one's a rare pleasure. You'd need 1) an asshole on the road and 2) be cekap enough to find the asshole (and maybe even be in a position in which the said asshole could harm you) and slam the horn. Sumpah layan gila when you feel right and you're patronizing a wrong person.

+ Harassing football fans when their team gets screwed. I fear the day when Man Utd will kantoi big time. I am not a glory hunter for supporting Man Utd. That goes back to my dad who studied in University of Manchester Institute of Science and Technology (UMIST, now back to being part of UM).

+ Gayut telefon. It's been a while now... I've kinda lost my touch. Kejap je dah lenguh.

+ Nasi putih, sup ekor, ayam goreng cili/kari ayam, and ikan masin diperah limau nipis.

+ Kailan ikan masin (hooyeah!).

+ At the right time, at the right mood: fried chicken.

+ Pizza with anchovies.

+ Menghidu bunga-bungaan. This tree is in bloom even before the others have leaves. Harum gila. A nice sight on my way to class every morning.

Idiot-proof Assignment

All this while I could get away with it by reading critiques as well as Wikipedia 'Overviews'. I skipped having to watch a six hour documentary because Wiki was nice enough to sum it all up in less than two pages online. But this week's assignment is foolproof.

From 'The Beggar's Opera' by John Gay, describe two characters and the material items he/she owns or uses and his/her relation or need for them.

Wiki can't save my ass for this one.

Kena buat secara 'by the book' kalau nak score.

Teik!

What I Learnt at PLKN Part I

I swear to God I am not referring to a website for the lyrics. I know them by heart.

*Muka feeling sambil buka baju, sarung tuala, menari dengan sabun on the way to the shower.*

Kau kekasih aaaaawal dan aaaakhir
Kau kekasih baaaatin dan zaaaahir
Tak kukisah taaaaak kupeeeeduli
Walau bulan jaaaatuh ke buuumi
Dan hadir bidaaaadariiiiii-ihi-ihi (part ni high pitch gila babi)


That's all I know from what they've been singing every single fucking day I was there. And they thought it weird that a city boy like me didn't know the words.


It's times like these I wanted my mommy.

Why I Miss Bahasa Melayu

"Di mana bumi dipijak, di situ langit dijunjung."
...to justify why we do things my way.

"Berat sama dipikul, ringan sama dijinjing."
...only ever used in BM karangans.

"Manusia merancang, tuhan menentukan."
...usually preceded by 'masalahnya' or 'namun' or 'tapi', in an attempt to cover up your fucking up. It's nice because it sounds pious. Hahaha.

"Ayuh kita bergegas!"
...said many times in Chicago when Nadiah got carried away taking useless pictures.

"Weh..."
...to call someone. Over here it's always "dude!"

*bunyi cium high pitch*
...also to call someone.

"Gila babi!" or "Gila babs!"
...a (sadly very bad) alternative to OMG.

"Gempak sial!"
...at something gempak.

"...sial!" or "...shhhiaaalll!" or "...doh!"
...at almost anything worth emphasizing.

"Buto ah..!"
...when something bad happens or you just wanna insult someone.

"Apa masalah kau?"
...at someone who seems to have a problem.

"Bertepuk sebelah tangan."
This has no English equivelant. Which makes it so much cooler than it already is. It describes things (and/or situations) perfectly. And it sounds so right when you get to use it.

"Hamun! Hamun! Hamun!"
...to maki hamun a junior.

"Raung! Raung!"
...meraung bila sakit.

"Kepala bapak kau!"
...when I beg to differ. With a sabdu on the 'P' (baPak).

"Bini pertama belum tanam, dah nak nikah bini baru."
...said to people who pray before the azan ends.

"Tak lari gunung dikejar."
Still finding the opportune moment to say it. Used it once to spite Nadzrina in a phone argument she had with Steve.

"Takde benda. Aku cakap kau hensem."
...to cover up when someone I mengumpat overhears me.

"Tidak pernah kuduga-ha, ini semua terjadi-hi."
...whenever something tak terduga terjadi. In the tune of 'Dilema' by Nora and Vince.

"Alang-alang menyeluk pekasam, biar sampai ke pangkal lengan wo-ho-ho-o-oh."
...said to encourage an activity we are doing. In the tune of M. Nasir's song 'Mentera Semerah Padi'.

"Hai, boleh kita berkenalan?"
Cheesy pickup line I've been dared to use many times. I have never used it. Yet.

The various versions of words for slightly differing situations. Like 'seret' and 'heret', 'silau' and 'kilau', 'sepak', 'lempang', 'tampar', 'tempeleng' and 'lepuk'. Nice.

The 'lah' and 'kan' and the mysterious 'kot'.

In "jangan a," we know the 'a' comes from 'lah'. And in "takpe en?" the 'en' comes from 'kan'. But try thinking about where 'kot' comes from. I didn't sleep one night thinking about it. It is the biggest mystery in Bahasa Melayu.

KOT.

Now I will seek the counsel of one Ashhad Khan from Dubai, to teach me insults in Arabic.

Steve G. Lewis said he learnt Malay very quickly by learning the various applications of the 'pantats' and the 'pukimaks'.



Ana fi'lan jamil.

Chicago

I was only there two half days and one full day and I must say I'm impressed. Some may attest to that due to the fact that we were stranded for an hour in windy -10°C conditions waiting for a bus and it was 2:30A.M.

O'Hare airport is ridiculously far away but is somehow still connected to the subway system. Thta's probably the longest subway ride I ever had. 21 stops to the Loop. Yet it's an old city and so not many of the major hubs are connected. Union Station, for example, isn't. You have to take a bus. And I hate buses. And there are three freaking buildings with "Union Station" written on it. The station itself which houses the Amtrak. The old station whcih houses the Metra. And the parking lot (which I circled finding a way in but was confused since only cars could go in).

The public transportation system is a bitch only because of the ticketing and the 'no change given' policy of the machines. Minneapolis is king when it comes to that. And New York. But in Minneapolis, you could pay by card, thus cancelling out the need to have singles.

The Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory is to die for. If I had five minutes in Chicago, I'd tell everyone I know in the city to meet me there and order that.

The metallic bean is pretty yet pretty ugly.

It's not as windy as it's nickname suggests. And that could be overrated.

The University of Chicago is pretty, and small, and kinda nice. But they rejected me so I'll still be bitter as hell towards them.

The signage is shitty. Attractions and hubs should have better signages.

The streets are wide. And I like that. It feels airy and roomy. Unlike Shittsburgh and Manhattan.

Other than that, sama je dengan bandar lain.

Things You Can't Learn From Reading A Book

+ The experience of an accident.

I was 'lucky' enough, in my first month as a Malaysian P-licence holder, to be able to experience a long distance drive at night (Tuas, Johor - Home, Kuala Lumpur; 4 hours; 400+km) as well as an accident which involved a motorcyclist whose bike was pretty damaged and who couldn't walk for two days.

I was driving my beloved - the red Mitsubishi Space Gear or as fondly known to us, the red van - to class one day. I was with my roommate Fadzrul, and as usual (at that period of time) Paris Hilton's Stars are Blind was practically on all the radio stations, and we'd spend the ride cursing. I was singalling right to turn into the Section 17, Shah Alam flat carpark. From the opposite direction, a car looked like it was about to turn left into the same carpark I was headed. It was signalling to the left. When the driver looked at me nonchalantly, I thought she was giving me right of way. So I turn right. But as the van moves into the next lane, a fucking kapcai appears from behind the car, swerves around it and, seeing the big red van block his way, brakes and slides sideways and rams the hood of my van. I was half-way turned in, and he hit me from a 10- or 11-o'clock direction.

His side rammed me. It was just so surreal. A bike sliding and skidding, rider looking like he's trying his best to control his machine. Bike ramming into the van. He bounces up and his helmet hits the windscreen. I brake hard. He's lying on the road screaming, squirming, hands on his legs.

The taking care of him and trying to do something to right your wrong. The guilt. The nervy feeling. The "it wasn't my fault, saya mangsa keadaaan je!" feeling. Knowing nobody's gonna believe you. Going to the clinic and seeing his parents' dismay; looking at the way they look at me; promising them I'd pay for the X-ray and whatever medication and then walking out because I was too shaken. Being chased by his father as I tried to make it to class. Being told to pay the bill. The confrontation/compensation once he could walk - ketuk handle motor bengkok: RM100, seminggu tak boleh kerja: RM50 sudeh... The mark on the van. Damn, it was cute.

Rush! Phi Kappa Theta (φκθ)

"So, you've ever fired a gun before?"

"Yeah. A .22 rifle and a 9mm."

"Awesome! Came along for more?"

"No. I just broke up with my girlfriend."

"Oh shit, we shouldn't have brought you here!"

Heheheh. Nah, I'm not suicidal or psychotic. Okay. Not suicidal. Nope. But psychotic and in need of therapy? I'd like to think I could turn over a new leaf. I know I've done some pretty creepy things to people but this is just something different for me. Rushing means meet new people; people who wanna meet new people. Rushing means do shit with people; fun shit that you don't usually get your ass to do during the usual days of a semester. Rushing is refreshing to me as of now.

I know it's ironic but a trip to a shooting range 5 days after a break up is a pretty good way to blow off your steam. No, I'm not on rapid fire mode screaming "Die bitch! Die!" I was pretty precise. 25 yards out I only missed the target once but still got on the paper. 35 yards out I still got a decent score for a first-timer. The Glock 19 with the laser was bullshit, though. One whole clip and I only got the edge of the paper once. And then they tell me "the laser's off target."

Tomorrow's event is Charlie Murphy - Eddie Murphy's brother. He's a standup doing a show in Pittsburgh of all places. But hey, we're a cool enough city to attract Lifehouse. I dunno. Whatever lah kan?

Then there's a night on the town this weekend. And Hooters. Ya think anyone currently in my circle of contact would wanna go Downtown? Let alone see Shittsburgh? Then come Monday it's Fifa. Since people here prefer Halo and Guitar Hero and Madden, some asses are gonna get kicked by the Malaysian.

Movies

1993

+ Jurassic Park
The Mall
Family

1996

+ 101 Dalmations
TGV One Utama
Family

1997

+ Titanic
TGV One Utama
Family

1998

+ Godzilla
TGV One Utama
Hanad, Ayman, Iylia

1999

+ Spiders
TGV One Utama
Birthday/Friends

2000

+ Mousetrap
KYS Great Hall

2001

+ One Leg Kicking
TGV One Utama
Jes

+ Pearl Harbor
GSC Mid Valley
Ayman, Jes

+ Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone
TGV KLCC
Hanaa, Li-Ann, Mat Yap

2002

+ Reign of Fire
GSC Mid Valley

+ The Transporter
GSC Mid Valley
NJ

+ Lord of The Rings - The Two Towers
Warner Village, Ealing, London
Mat Yap

2003

+ Matrix: Revolutions
GSC Mid Valley
Fariz

+ Jutawan Fakir
GSC Mid Valley
EDC 0105

2004

+ Gothika
KYS Great Hall

+ The Day After Tomorrow
KYS Great Hall

+ Cinta Luar Biasa
GSC Times Square
Cuit, Kame, Atrash

+ Mean Creek
GSC Mid Valley
Atrash

2005

+ The Constant Gardener
GSC Mid Valley
EDC 0105

+ Star Wars Epidose III - Revenge of the Sith
TGV KLCC
Hanaa and her family

+ Kung Pao
Laptop, kat dorm

+ Chicken Little
TGV Mahkota Parade
Soong, et al.

2006
+ Click
TGV One Utama
Ringgo, Amsyar, Dian, Intan, Nadiah, Saf
+ Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
TGV Sunway Pyramid Ringgo, Apis, Rahim, Chicha, Popo, Tahn, Mat Yap

+ John Tucker Must Die
TGV Bukit Raja
Apis, Bozai, Didi, Rahim
TGV Sunway Pyramid
Alina, Fizah, Dila

+ Casino Royale
GSC Mid Valley
Alina

+ Deja Vu
GSC Mid Valley
Alina

2007

+ Music and Lyrics
TGV Sunway Pyramid
Alina

+ Transformers
TGV Sunway Pyramid
Alina

+ 300
TGV Sunway Pyramid
Alina

+ Ghost Rider
GSC Mid Valley
NJ, Mior, Koyot

+ Blades of Glory
TGV Sunway Pyramid
Alina
TGV KLCC
Popo, Mat Yap, Atrash

+ Spiderman 3
GSC USJ Summit
Alina

+ Shrek the Third
TGV Sunway pyramid
Alina

+ Jangan Pandang Belakang
+ Sunshine
TGV Sunway Pyramid
Alina

+ Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
TGV Sunway Pyramid
Alina

+ Die Hard 4.0 GSC Times Square
EG, Topan, kanak-kanak KYUEM

+ The Bourne Ultimatum
Loewe's Theatres, Waterfront, Pittsburgh
King, Afif, Jun Xian

+ The Kingdom
West Mifflin
Steve, Afif, Farhan

2008

+ Juno
Edgewater Multiplex, NJ
Syaheedah

+ Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Lincoln Square Multiplex, NY
Syaheedah, Emilia

+ The Orphanage
Loewe's Theatres, Waterfront, Pittsburgh
Yang Bin, Jackie

Proud to Be A Malaysian

I saw the MyTeam versus Malaysia match. It was quite an experience for me. I was rather familiar with the National Sports Complex at Bukit Jalil - I was a KL '98 veteran having seen athletics, gymnastics, diving, hockey and the closing ceremony as well as a couple of Disney on Ice shows. But this was my first football match in a stadium. And football is always different. It's in a league of it's own. And this was MyTeam at the peak of its popularity, akin to that idiot Mawi during the final AF concert. (Just for the record, I would have liked to use a Katherine McPhee-American Idol analogy but that would give you the impression that MyTeam were a worldwide thing. AF proves to be more precise.)

Tickets were cheap at RM 10 but hey, I'm not complaining. Atrash came along and we took the ironically irritating, menyusahkan, way getting there - the KTM, Putra and STAR. It got so bloody cramped as we neared Bukit Jalil. Kinda like a Tokyo tram during the rush hours.

Obviously the best seats are the ones perpendicular to the halfway-line, where the TV cameras are usually placed. But only one side was open to commoners - the other was for TM's guests who had these cute little passes around their necks. But we were having none of it. The stadium has never been full after Sukom '98 and damn well that whole area would be more than sufficient for people who get free tickets. We snuck in the other side. They closed the entrances but we followed a hell lot of others who slipped under the railings behind the royal box. Third from front bebeh. Tu pun sebab takut kantoi takde pass.

There was Spider who sang a few songs that I loved and hated at the same time. 'Laukku Dah Cukup Masin'. What the fuck? Dah la the speakers were blaring at full blast not 20 meters in front of me.

Then there was Sheila Majid who had the honors of singing the 'Negaraku' (just for the record, her role that night was compared to Shakira's and Wyclef Jean's in the World Cup's opening night on Malaysian radio). This was touching. The four rounds of Mexican wave tak jadi sebab stadium punya crowd tak consistant - full here, empty there, then only one or two jokers at the top tier. We don't have a well known cheer for either team (like England's 'Come on England!' or United's 'Glory, glory Man United!' or Liverpool's 'Come on you Reds!'). But we all rose and sang. I must say it was quite an emotional thing for me. I haven't sang the song in ages! But what got me was the fact that the whole stadium - all 50,000 present - sang the national anthem with Sheila Majid. Everyone was so happy and proud - they were smiling broadly, jumping, waving the Jalur Gemilang (me being one of them). That moment kinda gave you the impression that sports does promote unity. And in this case - one of the most popular reality TV stars as well as the national football team - the kind of unity that is imperative to all of us, the kind that fails to see race or religion or sex or ancestry.

I hate reality TV. Survivor was great. And Americal Idol. But only those two. others were flops. Or corny. Or plain 'asshole audience targeted' like AF. And who the hell is gonna support Malaysia if we - Malaysians - don't? I wore the only yellow shirt I had. A shit coincidence that it was a PLKN shirt. And I brought the Jalur Gemilang with me. To hell with MyTeam, come on Mesia!

FAM weren't very sporting in fielding the successful Under-23s. Sure, they beat Man United Academy 4-1. Sure, they're Malaysians too. But MyTeam's goal, from the very beginning, was to challenge the national senior squad. Yes, the one that outclassed Indonesia away to lead the Tiger Cup semi-final first leg 2-0. And lose the home tie 3-0. The one that gets so many chances in the box yet shoot everywhere on the wrong side of the post. Yet only three seniors - a defender, midfielder and striker each - played and even they were taken off at half-time. MyTeam have come a long way in scouting and talent searching and training and what not. At least treat them with respect. The goal they scored was comparable to EPL standards.

Nevertheless, the game started and Malaysia were on fire. Our wingers were providing generously. Four chances blown in the opening fifteen minutes. It was boring because people just took for granted that they'd squander whatever chance they had in front of goal.

The guy beside me stood up suddenly and yelled "apa ni? Main macam Malaysia!" and his friend told him "wei, memang Malaysia pun. Bodoh".

Our defence was never threatened. The ball was always nearer the MyTeam goal. They never entered our penalty box. But they were deadly when it came to the counter attack. And in the 23rd minute their luck paid off. And FAM got what they deserved for underestimating MyTeam. They scored from outside the box. He was unmarked and his shot curved and curled straight into the top corner of the far post, looping above the 'keeper. Much like Flether's header that beat Cech.

Immediately afterwards, Malaysia stormed to their goal only for a mishap to go unseen. The stadium was roaring after the amateurs took the lead. Before we knew it, our striker collided with their 'keeper and MyTeam's captain pushed him. Right in front of the ref. Straight red. The fans were furious. Calls of 'ref kayu' reverberated along with the usual 'buto ah' and 'bapak kau'. There were many middle fingers shown.

Then one of our players was sent off. And oh how unlucky he was. The exit tunnel was beneath the royal box, just beside where I was seated. That player walked out to a crowd in frenzy. Everyone reached to the railing to see him off. With a harsh word or two. And a finger, of course. They were jumping and celebrating as if they were Scousers when Xabi Alonso equalized in Istanbul.

What struck me was that we are all Malaysians. And those men on the field were of the same nationality too. Why antagonize people who fight under our name? It would be perfectly understandable if this was a Malaysia versus Singapore clash. To hell with them anyway. But this was - supposedly - a friendly match between Malaysians. Don't hate them, help them. If this condition continues - every Malaysian player attracting boos and cat calls everytime they get the ball - who's gonna back them? Tak malu ke kita ni? That's our team there and here we are saying 'pukimak kau ah!' as we throw a bottle at the player with the ball.

An English daily highlighted this matter in its article entitled 'The Majority Got It Wrong'. Oh how true.

I stood there and sang the 'Negaraku' with pride. Atrash and I draped ourselves with our flag and cheered on as the boys in yellow came on field. Somehow, I was happy that I was supporting the team. I look at the people and places around me and think 'hey this country's kinda screwed up' but then again it's a hell lot better than anywhere else. I love this country. And say what I may about the people or places or things, I don't think I'd be happier elsewhere. Yes, I do look forward to studying abroad, gaining valuable experience in the fields of working and studying. But I can't see myself migrating elsewhere. I can't see me living abroad till the end of my days. I wanna grow up here. Work here. Get a life here. Get married here. Have children here. Grow old here. Die here.

To all you MyTeam supporters, yes you have your rights to choose whoever you wish to back. But to those of you out there who insult, condemn, harass and blatantly maki hamun representatives of yourselves, do think it over again, please.

Don't just sing the 'Negaraku' because it's a song. Don't just wave the 'Jalur Gemilang' because it's a flag.

Class of 2005 Testimonial Football Match

Final Score: 2-2

Goals:

Red Card:
Dotie (handball in penalty area)


EDC 0105 Teamsheet

Manager:
Kimbosé Mourinho (Mohammad Shazwan bin Azizan)

Assistant Manager:
Arvene Wenger (Arvindran a/l Subramaniam)

Goalkeepers:
GK - Edwin van Der Ja (Faizal Izwan bin Yusoff)
GK - (Amir Rahimi bin Azami)

Defenders:
RB - Ruben Baraham (Arham Hakimy bin Abdul Rahim)
RB - Fadzril Cissé (Muhammad Fadzril bin Che Mohd. Zin)
CB - Mio Ferdinand (Mior Luqman bin Mior Sallehuddin)
CB - Poké Evra (Amir bin Kamarudin)
CB - Petr Blech (Ahmad Hafizi bin Hamdan)
CB - Shukri Adan (Mohd. Shukri bin Rashid)
CB - Didiasyraf Drogba (Asyraf bin Su Azmi)
LB - Jamie Kienragher (Lee Kien Lin)
LB - Yaser del Porno (Yaser Nur bin Ahmad Kamal)

Midfielders:
CDM - Claude Mekonglelé (Muhammad Hanif bin Hasman Yusri)
CDM - Momo Solihin (Muhammad Solihin bin Rosli)
CM - Rafiq Gonzales (Shahir Rafiq bin Ramli)
CM - Bastian Feachsteiger (Muhammad Fickri bin Hafriz)
RM - Park Ji Soong (Soong Zhe Wen)
RM - Luis Feego (Mohd. Firdaus bin Zakaria)
LM - Micheal Izian (Izian Sherwani bin Mansor)
LM - Tahnto Alonso (Azrulfitri bin Azimi)
CAM - Clarence Geedorf (Mohammad Fauzi bin Mohamad Marzuki)

Forwards:
RW - Djimi Trourash (Muhammad Atrash bin Adnan)
LW - Ronaldinon (Zainor Faisal bin Zainuddin)
LW - Ryan Nikks (Nik Mohamed Hussein bin Nik Ali)
CF - Florent Sinama Ringolle - (Aliff Adam bin Zulkifli)
ST - Ahmed Hossam Nazmido (Ahmad Nazmi bin Mohd. Noor Azudin)
ST - Tuun van Nistelrooy (Tun Afif bin Tun Rafaee)
ST - Wayne Rentap (Mohd. Farhan bin Abdul Latep)